Joke

[CDNRatMan]

 Do miss his dry sense of humour and his outlook on life.......

[greenbarn]

I hope we will keep this joke post active forever. John started it, and it reminds me of him each time someone posts to it! Thanks!

I was thinking the same thing the other day....

[chief]

I hope we will keep this joke post active forever. John started it, and it reminds me of him each time someone posts to it! Thanks!

[49Reo]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Troll]

You are lucky....

[CDNRatMan]

  Good one but I am not current enough on American politics to understand it......

[greenbarn]

That's a new twist on the ending...  I like it... LOL

[49Reo]

A young Arkansas lad went off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue, how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says, "how do I get Ole' Blue into that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000," the young Arkie says, "and I'll get him in the course." So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. So the boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing, Son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results, they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Really?!  says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives and the Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something, and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal like he usually does."  "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, "So, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The Father went white, and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend and they both went on to law school in Fayetteville.
He became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States.
Later, she was appointed Secretary of State and is now running for President...

[DC]

Mechanics Daughter
Mechanic's Terminology -The joy of Daughters

The daughter asks her father, "Dad, there's something that my boyfriend said to me
that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to
check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his
headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust
pipe."

[49Reo]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[John Hopkins]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says
"I have two questions.
Why did the Russians take Crimea?
And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"

Putin says "Good questions..."

But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions.

Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says
"I have four questions.
My Questions are –
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?
Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early?
And Where is Sasha?"

[pcarrell]

How about this one?

[greenbarn]

I bought a book on Ebay, for $20,  called "Avoiding Scams on Ebay"....

Can't figure the delay - Hasn't arrived yet, after 2 months, and no response to emails....

[John Hopkins]

I went to an 'Inter-Religion Integration Seminar'

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said: By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said: by the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"

I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said: Insha Allah, you will walk today!

I snapped at him: There is nothing wrong with me.

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said: By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my motorcycle had been stolen.

[John Hopkins]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the coffee bar. Gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants. Takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist.
Gently at first and then ever so firmly. Tighter and tighter!!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the Tax Office."

[49Reo]

President Obama was out jogging when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before his body guards could get to him, three kids pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyworld."
Obama said, "Not a problem, I'll take you there with the Presidential helicopter, everyone uses that".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

"I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"

The third kid, which happened to be an Okie, said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!!"

Obama is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

[John Hopkins]

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

So my question is this, is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

[CDNRatMan]

Boudreaux, the smoothest talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got
called up to active duty. His first assignment was in a military induction
center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of
advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance
to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up
rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was
remarkable because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the
higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no
charge.

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing
and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you
has da normal GI insurance and you goes to Afghanistan and gets youself
killed, da governmen' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da
supplemental insurans, which cost you only tirty dollars a munt, den da
governmen gots to pay you benefishery $400,000!"

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which folks do you tink dey gonna send to
Afghanistan first?"

[John Hopkins]

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[John Hopkins]

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

[pcarrell]

I hate it when people say "what do you see yourself doing in five years time.."

Do they think I have 2020 vision.

John.

[John Hopkins]

I hate it when people say "what do you see yourself doing in five years time.."

Do they think I have 2020 vision.

John.

[John Hopkins]

Calvins dad.

Q. Why does the sun set?
A. It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets.
Q. Why does it go from east to west?
A. Solar wind.

Q. Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
A. That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
Q. Where does the sun go when it sets?
A. The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That's why the rocks there are so red.
Q. Don't the people get burned up?
A. No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night.
Q. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state as it lands?
A. Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.
Q. I thought I read that the sun was really big.
A. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.
Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just that the world was black and white then. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Q. But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
A. Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Q. But... But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
A. Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s.
Q. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
A. Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

Q. Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed.
A. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain more time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you're going west.

Q. Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
A. If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything.

Q. How do bank machines work?
A. Well, let's say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot.
Q. Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door?
A. Exactly.

Q. What causes the wind?
A. Trees sneezing.

Q. Why does ice float?
A. Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer to the sun.
Q. Is that true?
A. Look it up and find out.
Q. I should just look up stuff in the first place.

Q. How come you know so much?
A. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.

[CDNRatMan]

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken

off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went

through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch

after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a

worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed

of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write

anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it

will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again

or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or

not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to

ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster

oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime

Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're

allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of

yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.

Sign here."

[John Hopkins]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit !
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!
__________________