Joke

[John Hopkins]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

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Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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I was explaining to my wife last night that some people believe when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist idiots. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

[John Hopkins]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long
slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and
made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven", said God........

The woman replied: " And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"

[John Hopkins]

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

[John Hopkins]

George has been living alone for some years. He's a bit lonely as his life is basically working long hours and spending time at home in front of the TV. So he decides to buy himself a pet for some company. A cat or a dog are no good due to all the hours he works so he thinks a hamster would be okay. So he goes along to the petshop and talks to the owner about buying a hamster and what he would need for it. He also asks about how to look after the little furry creature. Then he goes back home carrying his new hamster, in a shiny cage. He gets home and takes the hamster out of the cage, pets it and feeds it and generally feels quite happy with his new pet. That night he covered the cage with a blanket and the next morning, bright and early, he rushed down to take a look at his new pet. But, there was the hamster, lying dead with its feet in the air! Totally distraught and not knowing what to do, but he decided to phone the pet shop owner. "I'm really sorry to hear that." said the pet shop owner, "We haven't got any more in stock at the moment but if you come in next week I'll give you a new one" "But what am I to do with a dead hamster?" George asked. "Well, you can either bury it in your garden, or... if you don't mind me suggesting it... you can make a special fertilizer for your garden from it!" George was a bit shocked at this, but asked the pet shop owner how to do that. "First you take the dead hamster and put it in a food mixer, add half a bag of sugar, some strawberries and large bucket of water. Mix the hamster, sugar and strawberries and then pour the mixture in to the bucket with the water. Give it a good stir and then go out and spread it on your garden." Still a little unsure George thanked the owner and put the phone down. He stood there looking at his dead hamster and decided that he would try out the fertilizer recipe and see what happens. After he'd got back from the garden he cleaned himself up and went to bed a little bit upset at what had happened. Next morning he got up and opened his curtains to look at the garden. To his surprise it was full of flowers, bright yellow daffodils all over where he'd spread the fertilizer! He rushed downstairs and phoned the pet shop and told the owner the news... "Daffodils?" he said. "Are you sure they are daffodils?" "Yes," replied George "the whole garden is full of them." "That's very strange" said the pet shop owner... "You normally get Tulips from Hamster Jam!"

[greenbarn]

An, another thing...

A Irishman left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend drinking at the pub with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

So, he didn't see his wife all day Monday.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[greenbarn]

That's a good one 49.

But did you hear about the Englishman, the Scotsman, and the Irishman that all died on Christmas Eve??  They were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "Well, this represents a candle," he said. "Fabulous, You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "Look- They're jingle bells." Saint Peter said, "That's fine, you may pass through the pearly gates."

Now, the Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do you have to say for those?"

To which the Irishman replied, "They're Carol's."

[49Reo]

One day a guy in Alabama was killed in a house fire; he was burned so bad, the coroner couldn't identify him; he thought it might be Bubba, but just couldn't be sure. He talked to the sheriff about it, and the sheriff told him that if anyone could possibly identify the remains, it would be his 2 best friends, Clem and Billy-Bob. "They are always together." The coroner said he would talk to the, so the sheriff brought them in

The next morning, here comes the sheriff with Billy-Bob and Clem in tow. The coroner explained what the problem was and Clem and Billy-Bob said they would give it a try.

So the coroner brings Billy-Bob in first. He uncovers the body, Billy-Bob stood wide-eyed, and said; "dang, that old boy is burnt bad! I can't tell for sure. The coroner, looking disappointed, started to cover the body, when Billy-Bob got excited, and said;

"Hey, turn him over!" The coroner turns the body over, Billy-Bod looks for a minute, says

"Nope! That ain't Bubba!"

So the coroner, looking disappointed, turns the corpse back over and covers him back up, then takes Billy-Bob to the waiting room, and said;"wait here." He takes Clem in to the examining room and uncovers the body.

Clem looks, wide-eyed, and says;" DANG!! That ol'  boy is COOKED!! " He looks dumbfounded, says he can't tell, then gets excited, and tells the coroner, "Hey! Turn him over!" The coroner looks puzzled, then rolls the corpse over.

Clem looks, and says;  "Nope, It ain't Bubba! No way. The coroner sighs, covers the corpse, and takes Clem back to the waiting room. He tells Clem to have a seat. He looks thoughtful for a moment, and says," so how come you couldn't tell looking at his front, but when I turned him over you both said 'no, that ain't Bubba!' How could you tell?"

Billy-Bob says, "shoot, thats easy! This guy only has one a$$hole! Bubba, he's got two a$$holes!"

" What do you mean, Bubba has two a$$holes! I've never heard of that!", replies the coroner.

Clem said,"oh yeah, its true! Every time we would come to town with Bubba, everyone would say, 'Hey! Here comes Bubba with them 2 a$$holes!!"

[greenbarn]

Murphy's a little slow, eh?

[49Reo]

Face-palm...face-palm...

[John Hopkins]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patient

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients

"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"

"Tunderin' Lord Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[John Hopkins]

A farmer took his truck to the mechanics to have it fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far off and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and 5 litres of paint. He then stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to there. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. '

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, take down my knickers and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'No chance lady! I'm carrying a bucket, 5 litres of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'.

[John Hopkins]

A hungry student walks into a seedy cafe.
He sits at the counter and notices a massive biker with his tattoed arms folded, staring blankly at a steaming bowl of chilli.
After a few minutes of sitting there staring at it, the student bravely asks "If that's too hot for you, do you mind if I eat it?"
The biker slowly turns his head and says "Go ahead"
Eagerly he takes the bowl and hungrily begins spooning it into his mouth. He gets nearly to the bottom when he sees a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was so shocking he immediately pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
The biker says
"Thats as far as I got too!"

[49Reo]

...have they found his body yet?

[CDNRatMan]

  oh like that one........

need to go and buy a truck load of teddy bears now.........

[John Hopkins]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along The bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself Thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'The guy gently smiles at her,Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:

*

*

*

*
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

[greenbarn]

lol

[49Reo]

Cute...

[John Hopkins]

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,

'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ....

"THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"