Joke

[John Hopkins]

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."

[greenbarn]

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much .
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe . Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline .
.....

Well, I feel better now...

[CDNRatMan]

       A middle aged couple had two beautiful daughters but had always wanted a son and were talking about a son.
They decided at their age they would give it one more try, and see what happened. Wife got pregnant and wham she delivered a healthy bouncy baby boy.
The father so full of pride and happiness rushed to the hospital, skipped the wife and right to the nursery to see his new son.
He was terrible horrified because what he saw was the most ugly child he had ever beheld.
He went broken to his wife's bedside, he lamented that he could never be the father of such an ugly offspring, just no way look at my 2 beautiful daughters I have brought into this world......then the light went off......
He looked into his wife's eyes a long and searching look.....With a tremble in his voice he asked her if she had been fooling around behind his back.........

Smiling sweetly and batting her eyes she said.............NO .......not this time........

[CDNRatMan]

     I got caught today peeing in the local pool at the Y........The lifeguard shouted so loud I near fell in........

[John Hopkins]

The Policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the Policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

[John Hopkins]

Just to comfort the old folks

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much .

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe . Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline .

The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more .

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise .

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names

[John Hopkins]

For ratman.

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." he said

"I Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded..

[CDNRatMan]

      Marry a fat tattooed Girl.......

Summer time you have shade

Winter time you have warmth

All year round you have moving pictures........

[John Hopkins]

"I'm sorry but I've had a better offer." I said to a stunning blonde in the bar.

"I ask you to buy me cocktails, take me home in a taxi and make love to me? What could be better than that?" she asked.

"See that fat girl over there?" I said. "She just wants a packet of crisps and lives round the corner."

[greenbarn]

Dear Doctor Ruth:

[John Hopkins]

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

[John Hopkins]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Vulcan Drifter next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

[John Hopkins]

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

[John Hopkins]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud, that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[John Hopkins]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Of course, she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

''Go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ..... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''

[John Hopkins]

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your nearest neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a New Year's Eve party. Thought you might like to come. It'll start at about 6:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready for a bit of civilization. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops and turns around. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. " I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
Stan starts to walk away, but turns around "More'n' likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all
alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[John Hopkins]

The CIA had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

[greenbarn]

Keep 'em coming John.... I'm having a laugh reading them...  It's like "joke of the day" column..

[John Hopkins]

Unexpected sex – that's a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison...

[John Hopkins]

Jim Leslie, an elderly Scottish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Jim.

"Well," said Jim, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful," said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Jim.

[John Hopkins]

Blonde In First Class
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

[CDNRatMan]

  My first wife died of eating poisoned mushrooms, poor girl. Then a few years later my second wife died of a broken neck, she would not eat the mushrooms..........

[greenbarn]

I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?".

Those are a couple of good ones..

[John Hopkins]

I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?".

[John Hopkins]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!