Joke

[DC]

Good one, Hoggy!   

[Hoggy]

Irish Neighbours!

A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer. " A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[Hoggy]

Paddy Murphy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.

He phones the police and says "I've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"

Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef"

[49Reo]

The Bronze Rat

A tourist walks into a curio shop in New York City. Looking around at the exotics, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner:
"How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was very disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the Hudson River, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS -- and they were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the river, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze anti-gunner."

[CDNRatMan]

if the size 14 fits wear it......

[49Reo]

well let us see.....

1. your old
2. you hunt
3. your old
4. you live like a farmer
5. your old
6. sounds a lot like you
7. your old

ok enough reasons to drag you into this

.  And just WHO are you calling.........old......

[DC]

That's a good one DC.

[CDNRatMan]

.so how did I get drug in to this?.....

well let us see.....

1. your old
2. you hunt
3. your old
4. you live like a farmer
5. your old
6. sounds a lot like you
7. your old

ok enough reasons to drag you into this

[49Reo]

.....so how did I get drug in to this?......

[greenbarn]

So this slick big city lawyer goes duck hunting.  He shoots a duck, but it falls on the other side of a fence, into a neighboring farmer's field.   As the lawyer is climbing over the fence to get the duck, this old farmer (he's about 49's age), drives up on his old tractor and asked the lawyer what he's doing.

Lawyer:  "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
Farmer:   "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replies,  "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the state, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiles and says, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts.  Around here, we settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."

Lawyer:  "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
Farmer: "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone finally gives up."

So the lawyer, thinking about the proposed contest of toughness and strength, quickly sized up the old man and decided that he could easily take the old codger, so he agreed to abide by the local custom.  The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella.  With his first kick, he plants the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which drops him to his knees.  He immediately follows with his second kick, which nearly rips the nose off his face.  The lawyer was flat on his belly now, when the farmer drives his third kick into a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but he didn't.

So the lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to crawl to his feet and he says "Okay, old man, now it's my turn."

The old farmer just smiled and said, "Naw, I give up, You win, You can keep yer damn duck!"

[greenbarn]

That's a good one DC.

[DC]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited. So he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of these purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.  She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?".  The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.  I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.".

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?".  "Why thank you very much.", he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?".

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?".

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.".

[CDNRatMan]

Sex and Sunshine in the USA

79 million people are engaged in sex right now.
58 million people are kissing right now.
37 million people are relaxing after having sex right now.
1 person is reading this post right now.

You hang in there sunshine

you know who you are sunshine........lol

[49Reo]

A sad reality.....

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said:  Up until Last week, I still had it all !!

A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school. . ..  I asked him, "What happened?  Drugs?  Alcohol,? Divorce...?

Oh No, nothing like that he said.   No, no ... I got out of prison.

[49Reo]

Subject:   Newfie Sensitivity Expert
Working at the top of a phone tower:

As they start their descent, Jim slips, falls off the tower, and is
killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, John says, 'Well, crappola,
someone's gotta go and tell Jim's wife.

Joe says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

John says, 'Where'd you get the beer, Joe?'

'Jim's wife gave it to me,' Joe replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she
gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Joe says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, "you must be Jim's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Newfies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[49Reo]

People of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.

4. Hutterites do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.   

[CDNRatMan]

sad...so sad......but now with Babcock they will shine.....lol......

[49Reo]

A Canadian joke.....

A little boy, standing in front of the family court judge, is asked: "do you want to live with your mother?"
Boy answered; "no"
"Why not?" asks the judge.
"Because she beats me," replied the little boy.
The judge asks, "okay, do you want to live with your father then?"
"No" says the boy.
"Why not?" Asks the judge
"Because he beats me," replied the boy.
The judge then asks, "then who do you want to live with?"
The boy replies...."I want to live with the Toronto Maple Leafs...'cause they don't beat anybody!" 

[pcarrell]

I can post this because I'm blond.

[DC]

I hope we will keep this joke post active forever. John started it, and it reminds me of him each time someone posts to it! Thanks!

Yup, which is why I started posting in it again.

[Troll]

 

[CDNRatMan]

This was posted today on the UK forum and with all the traffic about John thought this would be a good one....lol.....

Tetley (this is a tea) got me into trouble:

Freind said the best way to get a cup of tea was to agitate the bag.
So I slapped her arse and said 'Put kettle on'

[Troll]

Sounds good to me....

[CDNRatMan]

  Ok so tonight in honour of Sir John Hopkins everyone have a sweet potato.......lol and mashed peas......

[Troll]

BARTENDER!. Set up a round of sweet potatoes for everybody, on ME!