Joke

[greenbarn]

I used to get my father-in-law's Farm Show's second hand.  ALways enjoyed them....   That reminds me, I haven't seen one in a long time, maybe a good idea for a Christmas gift subscription for him.

[DC]

I also get a publication called Farm Show magazine, based out of Minnesota, that always has some jokes.      http://farmshow.com/  They also have lots of great articles on how people improvise and invent things with what they have laying around.

I like the article about using a zero turn mower for snowplowing.  http://farmshow.com/view_articles.php?a_id=1605

[Hoggy]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.  Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired:

Dr. Young:  "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.  Can you please help me??"

Dr. Geezer:   "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young:  Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.  That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young:  "Oh, no you don't, --  that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.  That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak  ---  I can hardly see anything !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back."  (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!  That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer.

[Troll]

Not sure I want to, since this is a "family" site...I'll think about it.

[DC]

One would almost swear you're from either Minnesota or Wisconsin.....ya know the one about the corn cob? How about Gary, Indiana? Then there is the circle...

I used to visit Minnesota regularly to stay with one of my wives' relatives.

Tell us about the corn cob, etc.

[Troll]

One would almost swear you're from either Minnesota or Wisconsin.....ya know the one about the corn cob? How about Gary, Indiana? Then there is the circle...

[DC]

Ole was telling Sven, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state-of-da-art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered Sven, "what kind is it?"

Ole replied, "Twelve turdy."

====================================================

Ole gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just von da lottery? Pack your bags!"

Lena says, "Great! Vhat should I pack for? Da ocean or da mountains?"

He says, "I don't care! Just be out by da end of da week!"

====================================================

Ole and Lena was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared. "Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

Two days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said: "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street.

A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared: "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out. "Park it where?" Ole asked in the dark, "What should I do?" "Aw, to heck with them, Ole," Lena said, "Don't worry about it today. Just leave the car in the garage."

====================================================
Ole was getting ready to go to work one day when Lena stopped him and complained, "Ole, the vashing machine is broke down don't ya know, I vant ya to fix it!".

Ole walked out the door yelling, "Lena, vat do I look like, da Maytag repairman?"

That evening when Ole got home Lena was standing in the yard and said to Ole, "Ole, da car it von't start! Please Ole, fix da car".

Ole kept walking into the house yelling, "Lena, Lena, vat do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

The next day when Ole came home from work Lena said, "Look Ole, da car, it is fixed and the vashing machine, it is vorking too! Lars down da road come by and I asked him if he would fix it for me".

"And vat did he charge ya for doin' it?", Ole asked. Lena replied, "Vell Ole, he said he would do it for some romance (Vell ya know) or if I baked him a cake."

"Vell, vut kind of a cake did you make him?", asked Ole

Lena replied, "Vat do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

====================================================

Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.

"Ole, vere did ya get dat car?" Sven asked.

"Lena gave it to me".

"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?".

"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, "Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car"

"Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."

====================================================

Sven came home to his apartment one night, all Upset. "Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he's (Vell ya know) been with every voman in dis building except one."

"Hmmph," said his wife Lena. "Must be dat snooty Mrs.Johnson on da tird floor."

====================================================

Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come da girls aren't friendly to me?"

"Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a big potato in your swim trunks, dat would help."

So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried vat you told me with da potato, but it doesn't help."

"Um, Sven, you're supposed to put da potato in da FRONT!"

[CDNRatMan]

 Nothing better then a bottle of Screech and a plate of deep fried Cod Tongues, while watching a hockey game.....

[Hoggy]

Hoggy just sent that to all my Newfie friends with your home address.....lol.......

I guess I better set up the Newfie Screech and Cod cheeks.   

[DC]

Good one, Hoggy!   

[CDNRatMan]

  Hoggy just sent that to all my Newfie friends with your home address.....lol.......

[Hoggy]

With apologies to Newfoundland.

An Englishman, Scotsman and a Newfie are sitting in the pub having a drink together. The Englishman says: "As pleasant as this is it's still not quite like home. Back home as soon as you enter the pub, the bartender calls you by name and sets up your favorite drink, on the house."

The Scotsman says: "Yes and back in the Highlands when we go out for a wee dram the first two drinks are free.

The Newfie says: " Oh dat ain't nuttin boys!.  Back home on da rock when you first go in da tavern,  da first drink is on da house, da second drink is free; as a matter of fact da drinks are free all night. Den you get a good meal and before you go home dey take ya upstairs and make sure ya get laid, all on da house."

The Englishman and Scotsman looked at each doubtfully and said; "Are you sure about that? It sounds a bit far-fetched. I mean, did it ever happen to you personally?"

The Newfie replied: "Well no, it never happened to me personally but it happened to my sister several times."

[pcarrell]

A former Sargent in the Marine Corps took a new job as a High School teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back.  He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper half of his body.  Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of school, he found himself assigned to the toughest kids in school.  The smart punks, having already heard that the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him, and he knew they'd be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the classroom, he opened a window wide and sat down at his desk.  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence........

The rest of the year went quite smoothly.

[DC]

Sven and Ole heard of an organization that would pay $5000 for every live wolf.  They hunted for days, up and down mountains.  One night, they fell asleep around their campfire.  In the middle of the night, Ollie woke up and saw they were surrounded by 50 hungry, ferocious wolves.  He said to Sven, "Wake us Sven, We're rich!"

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Olaf decided to try raising something different for a change and chose chickens. He went into town to the Feed store and bought 300 baby chicks.  Three days later he went back to the counter of the feed store and asked for another 300 chicks.  "What happened to the first set?" inquired the store owner.  "They died" was Olaf's terse reply.  Well, small epidemics do have a way of happening.  So the man sold Olaf another 300 chicks.  Four days later Olaf was back needing to buy still another 300 chicks.  When told that the second 300 had died as well, the store owner replied that Olaf just wasn't having much luck with chickens then asked if he knew what was going wrong.  "I think I'm either planting them too far apart or too deep" replied Olaf.

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Having shot a moose, Ole and Sven began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.  On the way they were stopped by a game warden.

"Let me see your hunting licenses guys," he said.  When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.   "Sure, you betcha!" the hunters agreed.

"Well guys, I think that you would be finding it a lot easier to be draggin tha moose by the horns and not the tail."   "Ya, ok and tanks," they said.

After about five minutes Ole said to Sven, "Boy, draggin it by da horns is sure a lot easier!"

"Ya, you're right," says Sven, "but have you noticed dat vee are getting furder avay from da truck?"

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Ole Goes to New York City

His name was Ole. He was from Minnesota. And he needed a loan.  So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer.  He told the loan officer that he was going to Oslo for the All-Scandinavian Summer Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.  The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.  Ole produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. The loan papers were signed and an employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at Ole from Minnesota for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.  The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Minnesota, a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.  Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND.  What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Ole replied, "Vare else in New York City can I park my car for two veeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be dare vhen I return?"

[DC]

 

[CDNRatMan]

   WARNING

Ok so I am now on the list at the school and I have my next door neighbours upset with me, and it is all DC's fault.......so please unfriend him from your lists, he will get you in trouble........

I told my neighbours 7 year old grandson this one......

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

then I told him this one, but my way........

what does the chicken give you?
eggs!
Now what does the pig give you?
Bacon!
Old cow give you?
Homework!

so I am guessing someone at his school did not find it as funny as we did .......now I am on the school list...............

[DC]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

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Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

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Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

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At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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Sven and Ole are up fixing the roof. Sven picks up a nail, looks at it, and throws it away.
He picks up the next one, looks at it, and hammers it into the roof
The next one, he hammers it into the roof; the next one, he throws it away.
Ole says, "Sven, why do you throw away half the nails?"
Sven says, "Ole, don't you see, they have the point on the wrong end!"
Ole says, "Sven, don't be such a dummy! Those are for the OTHER side of the roof!"

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Sven and Ole go fishing. It's such a great day, they rent a boat so they can fish from the middle of the lake. They row out, drop their lines, and before you know it, they're catching fish, one after another after another. They can't believe what a great fishing spot they found.
Sven says, "This is the best fishing spot in the county. It's just too bad we didn't bring some paint."
Ole asks, "Paint? Why should you want paint, to go fishing?"
"Well Ole, don't you see, so we can paint an "X" in the bottom of the boat, so we can find this spot next time."
Ole laughs at him. "Sven, don't be such a dummy! Next time, what if they give us a different boat?"

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The doctor tells Ole he only has a few days left to live. Ole thinks a little, looks hard at Lena, and says, "Lena, promise me. Swear to me that when I'm gone, you'll marry Sven Svenson."
"SVEN SVENSON???" she shrieks. "You've hated him all your life!"
Ole answers, "Yep, I still do."

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A few days pass. Now Ole only has a few hours left to live. Lying in bed, he smells something. Cake. Chocolate cake, his favorite! He crawls out of bed and drags himself to the kitchen.

When Lena walks in, there is Ole, sitting at the kitchen table, eating cake. She hollers at him, "Ole! What are you doing in here? You're sick! You should be in bed! You shouldn't be out here eating cake! That's for the funeral!"

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Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice.
The clerk asks her, "What do you want it to say?"
"Ole died."
The clerk looks up. "What else?"
"Nothing else."
"But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don't you want to say anything else about him?"
"Nope."
The clerk thinks a minute. "You know, Lena, it won't cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price."
"Ten words, and it won't cost extra?" she asks.
The clerk nods.
Lena thinks hard, then says, "Ole died. Boat for sale."

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Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."

"Vy's dat?" Ole asked.

"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."

Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"

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Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the Lena tells Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time. Well, Ole is ecstatic, but he has never (vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to know about protection and (vell ya know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, Ole shows up at the Lena's parent's house and meets her at the door. "Ole I'm so excited for you ta meet my parents, come on in." Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena's parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and whispers to her Ole, "I had no idea you vere so religious."

Ole turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father vas a pharmacist."

[Hoggy]

Two nuns who belong to a sect that prohibits them from ever speaking to one another are walking through the jungle one day.  Suddenly a silver back gorilla jumps out of a tree, throws one of the nuns to the ground, tears off her clothes and rapes her.

The other nun helps her up and back to their compound, all the time thinking "Oh my God.  I wonder what that was like for her." But because they are prohibited from talking, she can't ask.

Thirty years go by and the nun who was attacked is dying. The other nun knows she shouldn't talk to her but has been so curious all these years that she breaks her vow and asks the other nun; "You remember the time the gorilla raped you. What was that like? Did it hurt?

The other nun replies:

"HURT!" He never wrote, he never called."

[greenbarn]

A guy goes into the lawyer's office, and asks him how much his fee is.
"I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says.
"That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the guy asks.
"Yes, it is" the lawyer admits, "Now what's your last question?"

[CDNRatMan]

    the novice nun comes running into the Mother Superior's office, and tells her, "i was walking back from the market and was attacked in the woods by a large man and he had his way with me" .......the Mother Superior tells quickly run to the kitchen and get a large lemon and suck on it till I get there.
The novice starts to head off and stops turns and asks will that stop me from getting pregnant?
The Mother Superior shakes her head and say's................

No but it will wipe that smile off your face......................................

[greenbarn]

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"\
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she exclaims: "What the *#@%D!* did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Oh, Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

[greenbarn]

Reminds me of the priest who asked the nun if he can walk her back to the convent.
She says, "Just this once."
Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

[DC]

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
The nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h". The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf. "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?" "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."

[DC]

HA!  Good one!   

[Hoggy]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck ass naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one  bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it and begged for more!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk