After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,
'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ....
"THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
Cute...
:) lol
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along The bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself Thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'The guy gently smiles at her,Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
*
*
*
*
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
oh like that one........
need to go and buy a truck load of teddy bears now.........
...have they found his body yet?
A hungry student walks into a seedy cafe.
He sits at the counter and notices a massive biker with his tattoed arms folded, staring blankly at a steaming bowl of chilli.
After a few minutes of sitting there staring at it, the student bravely asks "If that's too hot for you, do you mind if I eat it?"
The biker slowly turns his head and says "Go ahead"
Eagerly he takes the bowl and hungrily begins spooning it into his mouth. He gets nearly to the bottom when he sees a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was so shocking he immediately pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
The biker says
"Thats as far as I got too!"
A farmer took his truck to the mechanics to have it fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far off and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and 5 litres of paint. He then stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to there. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. '
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, take down my knickers and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'No chance lady! I'm carrying a bucket, 5 litres of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'.
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patient
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Tunderin' Lord Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
Face-palm...face-palm...
Murphy's a little slow, eh?
One day a guy in Alabama was killed in a house fire; he was burned so bad, the coroner couldn't identify him; he thought it might be Bubba, but just couldn't be sure. He talked to the sheriff about it, and the sheriff told him that if anyone could possibly identify the remains, it would be his 2 best friends, Clem and Billy-Bob. "They are always together." The coroner said he would talk to the, so the sheriff brought them in
The next morning, here comes the sheriff with Billy-Bob and Clem in tow. The coroner explained what the problem was and Clem and Billy-Bob said they would give it a try.
So the coroner brings Billy-Bob in first. He uncovers the body, Billy-Bob stood wide-eyed, and said; "dang, that old boy is burnt bad! I can't tell for sure. The coroner, looking disappointed, started to cover the body, when Billy-Bob got excited, and said;
"Hey, turn him over!" The coroner turns the body over, Billy-Bod looks for a minute, says
"Nope! That ain't Bubba!"
So the coroner, looking disappointed, turns the corpse back over and covers him back up, then takes Billy-Bob to the waiting room, and said;"wait here." He takes Clem in to the examining room and uncovers the body.
Clem looks, wide-eyed, and says;" DANG!! That ol' boy is COOKED!! " He looks dumbfounded, says he can't tell, then gets excited, and tells the coroner, "Hey! Turn him over!" The coroner looks puzzled, then rolls the corpse over.
Clem looks, and says; "Nope, It ain't Bubba! No way. The coroner sighs, covers the corpse, and takes Clem back to the waiting room. He tells Clem to have a seat. He looks thoughtful for a moment, and says," so how come you couldn't tell looking at his front, but when I turned him over you both said 'no, that ain't Bubba!' How could you tell?"
Billy-Bob says, "shoot, thats easy! This guy only has one a$$hole! Bubba, he's got two a$$holes!"
" What do you mean, Bubba has two a$$holes! I've never heard of that!", replies the coroner.
Clem said,"oh yeah, its true! Every time we would come to town with Bubba, everyone would say, 'Hey! Here comes Bubba with them 2 a$$holes!!" ;D
That's a good one 49.
But did you hear about the Englishman, the Scotsman, and the Irishman that all died on Christmas Eve?? They were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "Well, this represents a candle," he said. "Fabulous, You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "Look- They're jingle bells." Saint Peter said, "That's fine, you may pass through the pearly gates."
Now, the Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do you have to say for those?"
To which the Irishman replied, "They're Carol's."
An, another thing...
A Irishman left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend drinking at the pub with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
So, he didn't see his wife all day Monday.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
George has been living alone for some years. He's a bit lonely as his life is basically working long hours and spending time at home in front of the TV. So he decides to buy himself a pet for some company. A cat or a dog are no good due to all the hours he works so he thinks a hamster would be okay. So he goes along to the petshop and talks to the owner about buying a hamster and what he would need for it. He also asks about how to look after the little furry creature. Then he goes back home carrying his new hamster, in a shiny cage. He gets home and takes the hamster out of the cage, pets it and feeds it and generally feels quite happy with his new pet. That night he covered the cage with a blanket and the next morning, bright and early, he rushed down to take a look at his new pet. But, there was the hamster, lying dead with its feet in the air! Totally distraught and not knowing what to do, but he decided to phone the pet shop owner. "I'm really sorry to hear that." said the pet shop owner, "We haven't got any more in stock at the moment but if you come in next week I'll give you a new one" "But what am I to do with a dead hamster?" George asked. "Well, you can either bury it in your garden, or... if you don't mind me suggesting it... you can make a special fertilizer for your garden from it!" George was a bit shocked at this, but asked the pet shop owner how to do that. "First you take the dead hamster and put it in a food mixer, add half a bag of sugar, some strawberries and large bucket of water. Mix the hamster, sugar and strawberries and then pour the mixture in to the bucket with the water. Give it a good stir and then go out and spread it on your garden." Still a little unsure George thanked the owner and put the phone down. He stood there looking at his dead hamster and decided that he would try out the fertilizer recipe and see what happens. After he'd got back from the garden he cleaned himself up and went to bed a little bit upset at what had happened. Next morning he got up and opened his curtains to look at the garden. To his surprise it was full of flowers, bright yellow daffodils all over where he'd spread the fertilizer! He rushed downstairs and phoned the pet shop and told the owner the news... "Daffodils?" he said. "Are you sure they are daffodils?" "Yes," replied George "the whole garden is full of them." "That's very strange" said the pet shop owner... "You normally get Tulips from Hamster Jam!"
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long
slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and
made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........
The woman replied: " And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that some people believe when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist idiots. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?".
Quote from: John Hopkins on January 31, 2015, 09:21:12 AM
I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?".
Those are a couple of good ones.. ;D
My first wife died of eating poisoned mushrooms, poor girl. Then a few years later my second wife died of a broken neck, she would not eat the mushrooms..........
Blonde In First Class
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Jim Leslie, an elderly Scottish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Jim.
"Well," said Jim, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful," said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Jim.
Unexpected sex – that's a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison...
Keep 'em coming John.... I'm having a laugh reading them... It's like "joke of the day" column..
The CIA had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your nearest neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a New Year's Eve party. Thought you might like to come. It'll start at about 6:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready for a bit of civilization. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops and turns around. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. " I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
Stan starts to walk away, but turns around "More'n' likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all
alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Of course, she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
''Go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ..... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud, that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Vulcan Drifter next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'
Dear Doctor Ruth:
"I'm sorry but I've had a better offer." I said to a stunning blonde in the bar.
"I ask you to buy me cocktails, take me home in a taxi and make love to me? What could be better than that?" she asked.
"See that fat girl over there?" I said. "She just wants a packet of crisps and lives round the corner."
;) Marry a fat tattooed Girl.......
Summer time you have shade
Winter time you have warmth
All year round you have moving pictures........
For ratman.
On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." he said
"I Can't."
"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded..
Just to comfort the old folks
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much .
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe . Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline .
The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more .
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise .
SO THERE!!
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names
The Policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the Policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
I got caught today peeing in the local pool at the Y........The lifeguard shouted so loud I near fell in........
A middle aged couple had two beautiful daughters but had always wanted a son and were talking about a son.
They decided at their age they would give it one more try, and see what happened. Wife got pregnant and wham she delivered a healthy bouncy baby boy.
The father so full of pride and happiness rushed to the hospital, skipped the wife and right to the nursery to see his new son.
He was terrible horrified because what he saw was the most ugly child he had ever beheld.
He went broken to his wife's bedside, he lamented that he could never be the father of such an ugly offspring, just no way look at my 2 beautiful daughters I have brought into this world......then the light went off......
He looked into his wife's eyes a long and searching look.....With a tremble in his voice he asked her if she had been fooling around behind his back.........
Smiling sweetly and batting her eyes she said.............NO .......not this time........
Quote from: John Hopkins on February 19, 2015, 23:25:01 PM
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much .
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe . Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline .
.....
Well, I feel better now...
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit !
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!
__________________
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken
off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime
Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
Calvins dad.
Q. Why does the sun set?
A. It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets.
Q. Why does it go from east to west?
A. Solar wind.
Q. Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
A. That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
Q. Where does the sun go when it sets?
A. The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That's why the rocks there are so red.
Q. Don't the people get burned up?
A. No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night.
Q. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state as it lands?
A. Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.
Q. I thought I read that the sun was really big.
A. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.
Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just that the world was black and white then. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Q. But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
A. Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Q. But... But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
A. Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s.
Q. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
A. Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?
Q. Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed.
A. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain more time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you're going west.
Q. Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
A. If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything.
Q. How do bank machines work?
A. Well, let's say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot.
Q. Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door?
A. Exactly.
Q. What causes the wind?
A. Trees sneezing.
Q. Why does ice float?
A. Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer to the sun.
Q. Is that true?
A. Look it up and find out.
Q. I should just look up stuff in the first place.
Q. How come you know so much?
A. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.
I hate it when people say "what do you see yourself doing in five years time.."
Do they think I have 2020 vision.
John.
Quote from: John Hopkins on March 05, 2015, 20:16:03 PM
I hate it when people say "what do you see yourself doing in five years time.."
Do they think I have 2020 vision.
John.
(https://www.vulcandrifterriders.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi83.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj319%2Fpcarrell%2Fdoh1.jpg&hash=43572900438b82995504d69508103186ecf441e9) (http://s83.photobucket.com/user/pcarrell/media/doh1.jpg.html)
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
Boudreaux, the smoothest talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got
called up to active duty. His first assignment was in a military induction
center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of
advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance
to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up
rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was
remarkable because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the
higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no
charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing
and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you
has da normal GI insurance and you goes to Afghanistan and gets youself
killed, da governmen' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da
supplemental insurans, which cost you only tirty dollars a munt, den da
governmen gots to pay you benefishery $400,000!"
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which folks do you tink dey gonna send to
Afghanistan first?"
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
So my question is this, is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
President Obama was out jogging when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before his body guards could get to him, three kids pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyworld."
Obama said, "Not a problem, I'll take you there with the Presidential helicopter, everyone uses that".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
"I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"
The third kid, which happened to be an Okie, said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!!"
Obama is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the coffee bar. Gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants. Takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist.
Gently at first and then ever so firmly. Tighter and tighter!!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the Tax Office."
I went to an 'Inter-Religion Integration Seminar'
The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said: By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said: by the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said: Insha Allah, you will walk today!
I snapped at him: There is nothing wrong with me.
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said: By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my motorcycle had been stolen.
I bought a book on Ebay, for $20, called "Avoiding Scams on Ebay"....
Can't figure the delay - Hasn't arrived yet, after 2 months, and no response to emails....
How about this one?
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says
"I have two questions.
Why did the Russians take Crimea?
And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions..."
But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions.
Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says
"I have four questions.
My Questions are –
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?
Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early?
And Where is Sasha?"
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Mechanics Daughter
Mechanic's Terminology -The joy of Daughters
The daughter asks her father, "Dad, there's something that my boyfriend said to me
that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to
check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his
headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust
pipe."
A young Arkansas lad went off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue, how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says, "how do I get Ole' Blue into that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000," the young Arkie says, "and I'll get him in the course." So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. So the boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing, Son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results, they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Really?! says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives and the Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something, and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal like he usually does." "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, "So, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The Father went white, and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend and they both went on to law school in Fayetteville.
He became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States.
Later, she was appointed Secretary of State and is now running for President...
That's a new twist on the ending... I like it... LOL ;D
Good one but I am not current enough on American politics to understand it......
You are lucky....
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
I hope we will keep this joke post active forever. John started it, and it reminds me of him each time someone posts to it! Thanks!
Quote from: chief on September 18, 2015, 17:17:27 PM
I hope we will keep this joke post active forever. John started it, and it reminds me of him each time someone posts to it! Thanks!
I was thinking the same thing the other day....
Do miss his dry sense of humour and his outlook on life.......
BARTENDER!. Set up a round of sweet potatoes for everybody, on ME!
Ok so tonight in honour of Sir John Hopkins everyone have a sweet potato.......lol and mashed peas......
Sounds good to me....
This was posted today on the UK forum and with all the traffic about John thought this would be a good one....lol.....
Tetley (this is a tea) got me into trouble:
Freind said the best way to get a cup of tea was to agitate the bag.
So I slapped her arse and said 'Put kettle on'
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :P
Quote from: chief on September 18, 2015, 17:17:27 PM
I hope we will keep this joke post active forever. John started it, and it reminds me of him each time someone posts to it! Thanks!
Yup, which is why I started posting in it again.
I can post this because I'm blond.
A Canadian joke.....
A little boy, standing in front of the family court judge, is asked: "do you want to live with your mother?"
Boy answered; "no"
"Why not?" asks the judge.
"Because she beats me," replied the little boy.
The judge asks, "okay, do you want to live with your father then?"
"No" says the boy.
"Why not?" Asks the judge
"Because he beats me," replied the boy.
The judge then asks, "then who do you want to live with?"
The boy replies...."I want to live with the Toronto Maple Leafs...'cause they don't beat anybody!"
sad...so sad......but now with Babcock they will shine.....lol......
People of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.
4. Hutterites do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store. ;D
Subject: Newfie Sensitivity Expert
Working at the top of a phone tower:
As they start their descent, Jim slips, falls off the tower, and is
killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, John says, 'Well, crappola,
someone's gotta go and tell Jim's wife.
Joe says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
John says, 'Where'd you get the beer, Joe?'
'Jim's wife gave it to me,' Joe replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she
gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Joe says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, "you must be Jim's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
Newfies are good at that sensitive stuff.
A sad reality.....
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.
He said: Up until Last week, I still had it all !!
A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school. . .. I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol,? Divorce...?
Oh No, nothing like that he said. No, no ... I got out of prison.
Sex and Sunshine in the USA
79 million people are engaged in sex right now.
58 million people are kissing right now.
37 million people are relaxing after having sex right now.
1 person is reading this post right now.
You hang in there sunshine
you know who you are sunshine........lol
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited. So he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of these purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?". The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.".
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?". "Why thank you very much.", he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?".
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?".
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.".
That's a good one DC.
So this slick big city lawyer goes duck hunting. He shoots a duck, but it falls on the other side of a fence, into a neighboring farmer's field. As the lawyer is climbing over the fence to get the duck, this old farmer (he's about 49's age), drives up on his old tractor and asked the lawyer what he's doing.
Lawyer: "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
Farmer: "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replies, "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the state, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiles and says, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts. Around here, we settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
Lawyer: "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
Farmer: "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone finally gives up."
So the lawyer, thinking about the proposed contest of toughness and strength, quickly sized up the old man and decided that he could easily take the old codger, so he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. With his first kick, he plants the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which drops him to his knees. He immediately follows with his second kick, which nearly rips the nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly now, when the farmer drives his third kick into a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but he didn't.
So the lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to crawl to his feet and he says "Okay, old man, now it's my turn."
The old farmer just smiled and said, "Naw, I give up, You win, You can keep yer damn duck!"
.....so how did I get drug in to this?......
Quote.so how did I get drug in to this?.....
well let us see.....
1. your old
2. you hunt
3. your old
4. you live like a farmer
5. your old
6. sounds a lot like you
7. your old
ok enough reasons to drag you into this
Quote from: CDNRatMan on October 14, 2015, 22:54:58 PM
well let us see.....
1. your old
2. you hunt
3. your old
4. you live like a farmer
5. your old
6. sounds a lot like you
7. your old
ok enough reasons to drag you into this
. And just WHO are you calling.........old......
if the size 14 fits wear it......
The Bronze Rat
A tourist walks into a curio shop in New York City. Looking around at the exotics, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner:
"How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was very disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the Hudson River, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS -- and they were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the river, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze anti-gunner."
Paddy Murphy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "I've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"
Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef"
Irish Neighbours!
A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer. " A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Good one, Hoggy! ;D
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck ass naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it and begged for more!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk
HA! Good one! ;D
A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
The nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h". The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf. "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?" "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."
Reminds me of the priest who asked the nun if he can walk her back to the convent.
She says, "Just this once."
Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"\
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she exclaims: "What the *#@%D!* did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Oh, Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
;) the novice nun comes running into the Mother Superior's office, and tells her, "i was walking back from the market and was attacked in the woods by a large man and he had his way with me" .......the Mother Superior tells quickly run to the kitchen and get a large lemon and suck on it till I get there.
The novice starts to head off and stops turns and asks will that stop me from getting pregnant?
The Mother Superior shakes her head and say's................
No but it will wipe that smile off your face......................................
A guy goes into the lawyer's office, and asks him how much his fee is.
"I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says.
"That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the guy asks.
"Yes, it is" the lawyer admits, "Now what's your last question?"
Two nuns who belong to a sect that prohibits them from ever speaking to one another are walking through the jungle one day. Suddenly a silver back gorilla jumps out of a tree, throws one of the nuns to the ground, tears off her clothes and rapes her.
The other nun helps her up and back to their compound, all the time thinking "Oh my God. I wonder what that was like for her." But because they are prohibited from talking, she can't ask.
Thirty years go by and the nun who was attacked is dying. The other nun knows she shouldn't talk to her but has been so curious all these years that she breaks her vow and asks the other nun; "You remember the time the gorilla raped you. What was that like? Did it hurt?
The other nun replies:
"HURT!" He never wrote, he never called."
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
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Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
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Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
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At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
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Sven and Ole are up fixing the roof. Sven picks up a nail, looks at it, and throws it away.
He picks up the next one, looks at it, and hammers it into the roof
The next one, he hammers it into the roof; the next one, he throws it away.
Ole says, "Sven, why do you throw away half the nails?"
Sven says, "Ole, don't you see, they have the point on the wrong end!"
Ole says, "Sven, don't be such a dummy! Those are for the OTHER side of the roof!"
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Sven and Ole go fishing. It's such a great day, they rent a boat so they can fish from the middle of the lake. They row out, drop their lines, and before you know it, they're catching fish, one after another after another. They can't believe what a great fishing spot they found.
Sven says, "This is the best fishing spot in the county. It's just too bad we didn't bring some paint."
Ole asks, "Paint? Why should you want paint, to go fishing?"
"Well Ole, don't you see, so we can paint an "X" in the bottom of the boat, so we can find this spot next time."
Ole laughs at him. "Sven, don't be such a dummy! Next time, what if they give us a different boat?"
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The doctor tells Ole he only has a few days left to live. Ole thinks a little, looks hard at Lena, and says, "Lena, promise me. Swear to me that when I'm gone, you'll marry Sven Svenson."
"SVEN SVENSON???" she shrieks. "You've hated him all your life!"
Ole answers, "Yep, I still do."
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A few days pass. Now Ole only has a few hours left to live. Lying in bed, he smells something. Cake. Chocolate cake, his favorite! He crawls out of bed and drags himself to the kitchen.
When Lena walks in, there is Ole, sitting at the kitchen table, eating cake. She hollers at him, "Ole! What are you doing in here? You're sick! You should be in bed! You shouldn't be out here eating cake! That's for the funeral!"
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Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice.
The clerk asks her, "What do you want it to say?"
"Ole died."
The clerk looks up. "What else?"
"Nothing else."
"But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don't you want to say anything else about him?"
"Nope."
The clerk thinks a minute. "You know, Lena, it won't cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price."
"Ten words, and it won't cost extra?" she asks.
The clerk nods.
Lena thinks hard, then says, "Ole died. Boat for sale."
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Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."
"Vy's dat?" Ole asked.
"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."
Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"
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Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the Lena tells Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time. Well, Ole is ecstatic, but he has never (vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to know about protection and (vell ya know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, Ole shows up at the Lena's parent's house and meets her at the door. "Ole I'm so excited for you ta meet my parents, come on in." Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena's parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and whispers to her Ole, "I had no idea you vere so religious."
Ole turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father vas a pharmacist."
WARNING
Ok so I am now on the list at the school and I have my next door neighbours upset with me, and it is all DC's fault.......so please unfriend him from your lists, he will get you in trouble........
I told my neighbours 7 year old grandson this one......
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
then I told him this one, but my way........
what does the chicken give you?
eggs!
Now what does the pig give you?
Bacon!
Old cow give you?
Homework!
so I am guessing someone at his school did not find it as funny as we did .......now I am on the school list...............
;D
Sven and Ole heard of an organization that would pay $5000 for every live wolf. They hunted for days, up and down mountains. One night, they fell asleep around their campfire. In the middle of the night, Ollie woke up and saw they were surrounded by 50 hungry, ferocious wolves. He said to Sven, "Wake us Sven, We're rich!"
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Olaf decided to try raising something different for a change and chose chickens. He went into town to the Feed store and bought 300 baby chicks. Three days later he went back to the counter of the feed store and asked for another 300 chicks. "What happened to the first set?" inquired the store owner. "They died" was Olaf's terse reply. Well, small epidemics do have a way of happening. So the man sold Olaf another 300 chicks. Four days later Olaf was back needing to buy still another 300 chicks. When told that the second 300 had died as well, the store owner replied that Olaf just wasn't having much luck with chickens then asked if he knew what was going wrong. "I think I'm either planting them too far apart or too deep" replied Olaf.
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Having shot a moose, Ole and Sven began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up. On the way they were stopped by a game warden.
"Let me see your hunting licenses guys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice. "Sure, you betcha!" the hunters agreed.
"Well guys, I think that you would be finding it a lot easier to be draggin tha moose by the horns and not the tail." "Ya, ok and tanks," they said.
After about five minutes Ole said to Sven, "Boy, draggin it by da horns is sure a lot easier!"
"Ya, you're right," says Sven, "but have you noticed dat vee are getting furder avay from da truck?"
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Ole Goes to New York City
His name was Ole. He was from Minnesota. And he needed a loan. So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Oslo for the All-Scandinavian Summer Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Ole produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. The loan papers were signed and an employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at Ole from Minnesota for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Minnesota, a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
Ole replied, "Vare else in New York City can I park my car for two veeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be dare vhen I return?"
A former Sargent in the Marine Corps took a new job as a High School teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper half of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of school, he found himself assigned to the toughest kids in school. The smart punks, having already heard that the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him, and he knew they'd be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the classroom, he opened a window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence........
The rest of the year went quite smoothly.
With apologies to Newfoundland.
An Englishman, Scotsman and a Newfie are sitting in the pub having a drink together. The Englishman says: "As pleasant as this is it's still not quite like home. Back home as soon as you enter the pub, the bartender calls you by name and sets up your favorite drink, on the house."
The Scotsman says: "Yes and back in the Highlands when we go out for a wee dram the first two drinks are free.
The Newfie says: " Oh dat ain't nuttin boys!. Back home on da rock when you first go in da tavern, da first drink is on da house, da second drink is free; as a matter of fact da drinks are free all night. Den you get a good meal and before you go home dey take ya upstairs and make sure ya get laid, all on da house."
The Englishman and Scotsman looked at each doubtfully and said; "Are you sure about that? It sounds a bit far-fetched. I mean, did it ever happen to you personally?"
The Newfie replied: "Well no, it never happened to me personally but it happened to my sister several times."
Hoggy just sent that to all my Newfie friends with your home address.....lol.......
Good one, Hoggy! ;D
Quote from: CDNRatMan on November 19, 2015, 20:17:20 PM
Hoggy just sent that to all my Newfie friends with your home address.....lol.......
I guess I better set up the Newfie Screech and Cod cheeks. :)
Nothing better then a bottle of Screech and a plate of deep fried Cod Tongues, while watching a hockey game.....
Ole was telling Sven, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state-of-da-art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered Sven, "what kind is it?"
Ole replied, "Twelve turdy."
====================================================
Ole gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just von da lottery? Pack your bags!"
Lena says, "Great! Vhat should I pack for? Da ocean or da mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by da end of da week!"
====================================================
Ole and Lena was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared. "Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.
Two days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said: "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street.
A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared: "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out. "Park it where?" Ole asked in the dark, "What should I do?" "Aw, to heck with them, Ole," Lena said, "Don't worry about it today. Just leave the car in the garage."
====================================================
Ole was getting ready to go to work one day when Lena stopped him and complained, "Ole, the vashing machine is broke down don't ya know, I vant ya to fix it!".
Ole walked out the door yelling, "Lena, vat do I look like, da Maytag repairman?"
That evening when Ole got home Lena was standing in the yard and said to Ole, "Ole, da car it von't start! Please Ole, fix da car".
Ole kept walking into the house yelling, "Lena, Lena, vat do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
The next day when Ole came home from work Lena said, "Look Ole, da car, it is fixed and the vashing machine, it is vorking too! Lars down da road come by and I asked him if he would fix it for me".
"And vat did he charge ya for doin' it?", Ole asked. Lena replied, "Vell Ole, he said he would do it for some romance (Vell ya know) or if I baked him a cake."
"Vell, vut kind of a cake did you make him?", asked Ole
Lena replied, "Vat do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
====================================================
Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.
"Ole, vere did ya get dat car?" Sven asked.
"Lena gave it to me".
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?".
"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, "Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car"
"Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."
====================================================
Sven came home to his apartment one night, all Upset. "Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he's (Vell ya know) been with every voman in dis building except one."
"Hmmph," said his wife Lena. "Must be dat snooty Mrs.Johnson on da tird floor."
====================================================
Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come da girls aren't friendly to me?"
"Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a big potato in your swim trunks, dat would help."
So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried vat you told me with da potato, but it doesn't help."
"Um, Sven, you're supposed to put da potato in da FRONT!"
One would almost swear you're from either Minnesota or Wisconsin.....ya know the one about the corn cob? How about Gary, Indiana? Then there is the circle...
Quote from: Troll on November 21, 2015, 17:59:36 PM
One would almost swear you're from either Minnesota or Wisconsin.....ya know the one about the corn cob? How about Gary, Indiana? Then there is the circle...
I used to visit Minnesota regularly to stay with one of my wives' relatives.
Tell us about the corn cob, etc.
Not sure I want to, since this is a "family" site...I'll think about it.
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer.
I also get a publication called Farm Show magazine, based out of Minnesota, that always has some jokes. http://farmshow.com/ (http://farmshow.com/) They also have lots of great articles on how people improvise and invent things with what they have laying around.
I like the article about using a zero turn mower for snowplowing. http://farmshow.com/view_articles.php?a_id=1605 (http://farmshow.com/view_articles.php?a_id=1605)
I used to get my father-in-law's Farm Show's second hand. ALways enjoyed them.... That reminds me, I haven't seen one in a long time, maybe a good idea for a Christmas gift subscription for him.
Quote from: greenbarn on December 02, 2015, 19:39:22 PM
I used to get my father-in-law's Farm Show's second hand. ALways enjoyed them.... That reminds me, I haven't seen one in a long time, maybe a good idea for a Christmas gift subscription for him.
That's how I got hooked on Farm Show. One of my wives gave me a subscription for Xmas, many years ago.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a we cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
;D
Two Minnesota engineers are standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. Lena walks by and asks what they're doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, "says Ole, "but ve don't haff a ladder."
Lena takes a wrench out of her purse, loosens a couple bolts and lays the pole down on the ground. She then takes a tape measure from her pocketbook, measures the pole and announces, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walks away.
Ole shakes his head and laughs. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.
The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away!
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.
She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management.
She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.
She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.
So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap.
And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"
That's funny.....So... what did she say??
I don't understand........PC help me out here buddy
;D
Quote from: greenbarn on December 18, 2015, 17:02:45 PM
That's funny.....So... what did she say??
She agreed to take Canadian Money as long as he would take his change in Monopoly Money.
::) ah ok makes sense now.........
I got to be my ripe old age by living a good clean life and thinking only pure thoughts. I know nothing of this brothel and all of that frolicking. Jenny, Rita, Lola, and Madam Bouvie are all very fine and upstanding young ladies!
Oh my! :o
A JEWISH CHRISTMAS STORY
The teacher was very curious about how each of her students' celebrated Christmas Eve "Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?" she asked.
Patrick addressed the class. "Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick, now Jimmy Brown, what do you do?"
"Well Miss, me and my sister go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now Jimmy Cohen, what do you do on Christmas Eve?"
"Well Miss, it's the same old thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and sing "What a friend we have in Jesus". Then we go to the Bahamas."
Well I learned what celibacy is all about today.
A friend had to attend some classes for married couples as part of a work relation thing, and spouses were really strongly suggested that they attend.
Well my buddy did really will till they got to the Q and A section. The guest lecturer was asking a series of questions and the class was responding. The first question was ...........
"What is your wife's favorite flower?"
his answer.........
" it is Robin, correct, Robin Hood flour?"
seems he has been celibate since that day........
Ole and his wife Lena are strolling along a country road in northern Minnesota. They notice a human head lying along the side of the road. Lena picks it up, holds it up in the air and says, "Hey, that looks like Sven?" Ole replies, "Can't be, he wasn't that tall."
====================================================
•Aanenson, the wealthy milk tycoon was telling Ole about his new girl friend. "She's 30 and I'm 65. Do you tink I vould have a better chance of getting her to marry me if I tell her I'm 50?" "No," said Ole, "I tink you vould have a better chance if you told her you vas 80."
=====================================================
Doctor: The best thing you can do Ole is quit drinking,
Ole: Vat's next best?
=====================================================
Ole and Lena were out motoring one day in Ole's new car. A policeman stopped him and said he was doing 50 miles per hour in a 30 mile zone. "I vas only going 30, officer," protested Ole. "No, you were going 50," said the Cop. "Really, officer, I vas just doing 30," said Ole. "And I say you were going 50," repeated the cop. Lena, sitting in the back seat, trying to be helpful, spoke up, "Officer....you shouldn't try to argue vid Ole ven he's been drinking!" :o
=====================================================
Ole remarked, as he sat reading a magazine: "Lena, do you know every time I breathe, somebody dies?" LENA: Vhy don't you try gargling vid Listerine.
=====================================================
•Ole and Lena won a contest and the prize was a trip around the world. When they arrived in Russia, they were assigned a special guide named Ruldolph. As Rudolph was showing them around Red Square, it commenced to rain a bit...and then some sleet came down. "Yee viss," exclaimed Ole, "here comes da snow." "Oh no," said Rudolph the Russian, "It is RAIN!" "And I say it is SNOW," retorted Ole. Lena, trying to be the diplomat said, "Now, now, Ole, calm downn...after all, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
=====================================================
•Lena was selected to appear on one of those Hollywood TV shows where the MC asks rather intimate questions. This is what he asked Lena: "Which of these Shakespeare plays would you say would be most like your wedding night? "Midsummer Night's Dream," "As you like it," or "Love's Labor Lost?" "None of dem," responded Lena. "I'd say it vas more like "Much ado abut Nutting." :o
=====================================================
One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and having just returned from church with Lena he was feeling a little religious. "God," said Ole, "vhen you made Lena, vhy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?" Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole." "Vell then vhy, oh vhy," asked Ole, "vhy Lord did you make her so stupid?" "Because," said the voice, "so she would love you."
=====================================================
•Ole and Lena are married, of course ya know. Vell von day Lena comes home in da afternoon from shoppin' and she finds Ole is aready home now, sittin'on da couch. "Vat da heck ya doin' already home?" Lena says. "I lost my yob...I vas fired!" Ole says. "Vat da heck did dey fire ya for?" asked Lena. "I got caught vit my peter in da pickle slicer." Ole says, sheepishly. "Oh, my! Let me see it" Lena exclaimed as she grabs Ole's pants and pulls them down to his ankles. "Vy, you look yust fine! Vat happened to the pickle slicer?" asked Lena. "Yah, vell" says Ole, "she got fired too." :o
=====================================================
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Sven inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I talked her into change to play the clarinet." "How come?" asked Sven. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith the clarinet, she can't sing along vit it."
OK, so here's something I've never understood:
If we celebrate LABOR DAY by NOT WORKING......
Then why don't we have a CELIBACY DAY????? ;D
Quote from: greenbarn on January 07, 2016, 21:55:10 PM
OK, so here's something I've never understood:
If we celebrate LABOR DAY by NOT WORKING......
Then why don't we have a CELIBACY DAY????? ;D
I wouldn't know what to do with all that time off. :)
[quote.after all, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
=====================================================
Ok, that made me chuckle.
You know you're a redneck when you take the dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
Recent studies have determined that Women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than men who mention it.....
Need help in understanding the female race.......
So spent $1500.00 on Botox for her because she begged me to do so and she was ecstatic, $5000.00 to enhance her breasts, she was delighted. I then at her bequest spent $2500.00 on her nose. She could not thank me enough. Then again at her suggestion I dropped another $2500.00 on liposuction so she would feel better about herself.
I then spend $35.00 on a blowjob for myself and she just went ape.........
Can not figure them females out.......
I hate it when that happens.
A woman awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him.
She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looked up from his drink. "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She couldn't believe he had remembered and started to tear up.
The husband continued. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again the wife was touched to tears thinking that her husband was so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too," she replied softly.
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today"
;D
A "lady of the evening" approached me on the street the other day, and said, "for $50.00 I'll do anything you want.... :o
Guess who got his garage painted...... >: ;D
;D
What does your father do for a living?
He is a magician. He cuts people in two.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister....
Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, "What shall we call this one?"
"Why don't we call it a rhinoceros"?
"But, why?"
"Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we've seen so far."
Did you know Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz could have gone back home ---- she did have a debit card with her? But there were no banks in Oz, that's why she kept crying out "ATM! ATM!"
A man walks into a clock repair shop and the repairman is German and says: So? Vat sims to be ze problem?
It's my grandfather clock. It doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.
Mmm-Hm! I sink I can fix zis. Let me look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock!
There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody's business.
They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
So the priest wanted to get away from his priesthood for an afternoon and he went to a nudist camp and a beautiful young woman walked up and said, "Hi Father." He said, "How did you know it was me?" She said, "I'm Sister Catherine, remember?"
Please, help me. I haven't eaten anything for days.
God, I wish I had your willpower.
Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.
The man and wife walked out of divorce court in Mississippi and the man said, "Stop crying. So we got a divorce-----You're still my cousin!"
Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody's got my pen and I'm not sure I want it back.
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, whisper in my ear."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No, arthritis.'
Why is divorce so expensive? -----Because it's worth it.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? ----- None. Men don't change lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them. ------Did you know that studies show that a woman is turned on by different things, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to strong men with rugged masculine features. And if she is just about to menstruate, she is more attracted to a man with a knife in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.
Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
When you drink beer, you argue over trivial things, don't make any sense, start to cry and you lose your ability to drive.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he's fishing because he never comes back with any fish...
Marriage and death are two different things. They are very different.
When you're dead, you don't wish that you were married.
How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it's dark?
How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don't know – lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!
An Agnostic and an Atheist were married and had a real problem.
They couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother said, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
DC you might want to sit down for this one..........
The Tomato family, Papa, Mama and the four little Tomato's were out for a hike. The trail was long and up hill and Papa had to keep calling to the youngest Tomato, Heinz ketchup son, keep up.................
got that from my next door neighbour....he is seven now..........
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
Quote from: CDNRatMan on January 30, 2016, 23:49:20 PM
DC you might want to sit down for this one..........
The Tomato family, Papa, Mama and the four little Tomato's were out for a hike. The trail was long and up hill and Papa had to keep calling to the youngest Tomato, Heinz ketchup son, keep up.................
got that from my next door neighbour....he is seven now..........
(https://media.giphy.com/media/lhfnAjmZQHEpa/giphy.gif)
Ole is taking Lena out on a date. He gets home, goes upstairs where Lena is standing in the middle of the bedroom naked. 'Lena, why are you standing in the middle of the room naked?' asks Ole. 'Ohh Ole, I have nothing to wear!' Ole walks over to Lena's closet and opens it. 'Lena! You have nothing to wear? Here's your white dress, here's your black dress, here's Sven, here's your orange dress..'
-----------------------------
Ole and Lena were laying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, 'Well, how the hell should I know, that's over 2000 miles away!' and he hung up. Lena says 'Who was that Ole?' Ole says 'The hell if I know, some weirdo wants to know if the coast is clear.'
-----------------------------
Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I'm Norvegian?"
"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
----------------------------
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
----------------------------
Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."
Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice."
They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"
The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."
---------------------------
Lars: "Ole, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking".
Ole: "Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No...."
----------------------------
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: "Vell, der gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!
------------------------------
Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July.
The directions on the can said "put on two coats".
------------------------------
Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.
Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!
Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!
---------------------------------
Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for something to eat , he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.
The genie says, "I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish.
Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof, Ole was gone.
Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole."
Poof, Lena was gone.
Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "What is your wish?".
Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me".
---------------------------------
Ole says to the doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."
Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"
Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."
---------------------------------
Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."
----------------
Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning.
Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
-----------------------------------------
Ole told Lena one morning that he was going to chop down 20 trees in the woods with his ax and he would be done by suppertime. He worked and worked all day long and could only chop down one tree. He was so tired that when he came in for supper he went right to sleep without eating.
The next morning Ole gets up bright and early and tells Lena: "I am goin' into town to pick me up vun of dose chain saws. Dat der ax yust don't vurk too good." So Ole heads off into town and stops at the hardware store to buy a chain saw.
He tells the hardware store owner what he wants and the owner says: "Ah, here's the chain saw you want and it is guaranteed to cut down 20 trees in a day."
Ole gets all excited and says: "dat's yust vhat I need! I'll buy it." So Ole takes his new chainsaw home and gets up bright and early again the next day. He works all day and can still only cut down one more tree. He is beat red while he tells Lena: "Dis here chain is a piece of yunk! I am going to get my money back!!"
He storms back into town the next day to return the chain saw. He tells the hardware store owner: "Dis here chain saw you sold is defective. You told me I could cut down tventy trees and I could only cut down vun!!!"
The store owner looks puzzled and says: "oh?, let's see if it works OK." The store owner proceeds to start up the chain saw and it runs perfectly normal. BRRUMMMM....Mmamamamama.....BRUMMMMM..mmamamamama
Ole jumps back in horror and yells: "Vat da Lutefisk is dat NOISE!!"
-----------------------------------------
Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that is is a Caesarian."
Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Norvegian."
admit it DC you did crack a smile on my tomato joke albeit a small one you still smiled......
Quote from: CDNRatMan on February 01, 2016, 17:38:41 PM
admit it DC you did crack a smile on my tomato joke albeit a small one you still smiled......
Since this yoke came from but a wee lad, we will cut him a break. ;)
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."
==================================================
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" he asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."
==================================================
One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?
==================================================
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
==================================================
A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.
He asked the old man, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
Old Man - That's the name of the owner.
Young Man - Who's the owner?
Old Man - I am.
Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian. The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say "Hans Olaffsen". Lady ask me, What is your name? I say Sam Ting.
==================================================
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
==================================================
"Ole and Lena were visited by a door to door salesman, Lowell Thompson. He tried to convince them if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer. Ole responded that they were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent. And they were saving on movie tickets with the price of cable TV." Finally, Ole said, "And we're saving on laundry with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to say, ve can't afford to save any more right now."
==================================================
A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian found themselves deserted on a small island. A Cannibal tribe lived on the island, and they imprisoned the three men. The cannibals gave each of them a final wish. First they asked the Norwegian. The Norwegian wanted to see his wife once more. The cannibals went to find the wife. After he saw his wife, the Norwegian was eaten, and the cannibals made a canoe out of his skin. The Finn wanted to smoke one more cigarette. He got his cigarette. After he was finished, he was eaten and his skin was used to make a canoe. Then came the Swede's turn - he wanted a fork. He started to punch holes into himself, and yelled: "YOU WON'T MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME!"
==================================================
There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he put more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
- "Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
- "What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"
There are 4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of a loud slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."
The pretty young blonde thinks." I bet that Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, but got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Frenchman again."
;D
Hoggy is the a Frenchman or a QC'er? ;D
il est un Français parisien de cours.
ah je comprends maintenant..............
ride safe.....
LUCK Of the IRISH
Dear Mr. MURPHY,
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness
on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.
Old Irish saying: "There are only 3 kinds of men who don't understand women: Young men, Middle-aged men, and Old men".....
Quote from: Hoggy on February 09, 2016, 21:24:12 PM
LUCK Of the IRISH
Dear Mr. MURPHY,
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness
on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.
Overheard from someone talking to a Scotsman. . . . . . . .
Q: What's under the kilt?
A: On a good day. . . . . lipstick!
A man says to a woman: "I work where everybody have fun..."
The lady says: "So, you're a deejay?"
And the man: "No, gynecologist...".
Paddy is walking down the street with a bag of doughnuts in his hand. He spots Mickey coming the other way and says:
Mickey if you can guess how many doughnuts I have in the bag you can have both of them.
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want
don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
Paddy gets a letter through the letterbox and it lands on the floor. In big bold letters on the front it says 'DO NOT BEND'. Paddy's still there wondering how he's going to pick it up.
What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture"
:o ok let us offend everyone..... :o
I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, "I've not eaten for two days."
I said to him, "I wish I had your willpower!"
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, "Sorry about the wait."
I said, "Don't worry my dear.. You might lose it eventually."
An Irish boy stood crying at the side of the road. A man asked him, "What's wrong?"
The boy said, "Me ma is dead."
"Oh bejaysus," the man said. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
The boy said, no tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."
Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away, but since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found a bacon sandwich works much better !
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a bus or train and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"
A man in a hot air balloon was lost over Ireland. He looked down and saw a farmer in the fields and shouted down to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looked back up and shouted back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."
I had this trivia competition in the bag until the very last question, which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.
A fat woman had a medical at the doctors, he told her, your are grossly overweight, she said, I want a second opinion, he said, O.K. you're bloody ugly as well.
Quote from: CDNRatMan on February 14, 2016, 13:35:58 PM
:o ok let us offend everyone..... :o
Yeah, that pretty much covers it. ;D
Rough Road
Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven.
God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there. I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."
So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously.
On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell.
On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.
Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, "What are you laughing about?".
Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ole called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?
"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell, said Ole, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."
Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice."
They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"
The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lars: "Ole, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking".
Ole: "Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No...."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July.
The directions on the can said "put on two coats".
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Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.
Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!
Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!
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Ole says to the doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."
Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"
Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."
:)
"Doc" says the man to his doctor, "I've got a strong diarrhea... Can I take a shower?"
And the doctor: "If your sh*t is enough..."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Vy sure," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Ver ya from?"
"Norvay," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norvay too! Let's have anudder round to Norvay."
Curious, the first man then asks: "Vere in Norvay are ya from?"
"Bergen," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have anudder drink to old Bergen."
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, vere did you live?"
"On a boat, at da fishin docks," replies the second man.
"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."
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Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."
Ole replied, "Criminy, dat's bad Doc, but vy should I move in vit my old mudder-in-law."
The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."
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Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."
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Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning.
Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that is is a Caesarian."
Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Norvegian."
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Sven and Ole bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Sven says to Ole, "I thought you had the keys."
Ole says, "You ver driving, da driver always takes da keys."
"Well," says Sven, "It doesn't much matter, da question is vat are ve going ta do about it."
Ole says, "I don't know, but ve bedder come up vit someting fast because it looks like rain, and you had ta go and leave da top down."
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Sven and Ole were building a house. Sven was holding a board and Ole was sawing it. All of a sudden, the saw slipped and cut off one of Sven's ears. They both were digging through the sawdust to find it, and Ole picked up an ear.
Ole says, " Is this it?
Sven says, "Naw, mine had a pencil behind it."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ole and Lars go ice fishin. Ole pulls out his new thermos and Lars says to him, "Ole, whatcha got der?".
Ole says, "Well Lars, dis here's a thermos. It keeps hot tings hot, and it keeps cold tings cold."
After awhile, Lars gets curious and says, "Vell Ole, whatcha got in dat der thermos?"
Ole says, "Vell Lars, I got a popsicle, and two cups a coffee."
Gotta love those Norhoogian jokes....
Lars tells Ole, "I haff to go to da hospital tomorrow und get circumsized." Ole says, "ya I got dat done when I vas a few days olt."
"Oh," says Lars, "how vas it?"
"Vell, says Ole, "I couldn't valk for about a year." ::)
THE TEACHER was writing some sentences on the blackboard when she dropped her chalk. As she bent over to pick it up, little Arnie piped up, "Teacher . . . I can see two inches above your knee."
Outraged, the teacher said, "Arnie, for your impertinence you are expelled from school for one week."
Shortly, the teacher dropped the chalk again and bent over to pick it up. This time little Ralph spoke up, "Teacher . . . I can see four inches above your knee."
Infuriated once again, the teacher ordered little Ralph to be expelled for two weeks. Ten minutes later the teacher once again dropped the chalk; and again, stooped over to pick it up. As she raised up, she noticed little Ole grabbing his school books and heading toward the door.
"Ole, where are you going?" asked the teacher.
Answered Ole ... "I'm going home teacher, my school days are over."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LITTLE OLE had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine," said Lena, his pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not to misbehave, he will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask him to help me not to misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked him to help you put up with me."
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ONE DAY when he was a lad of six, Little Ole climbed out of the swimming pool and announced to Ole and Lena, "I just did someting in the swimming pool I wasn't supposed to do."
Several dozen people in the pool overheard the remark, and climbed out at once. Seeing the furore he had created, Little Ole hastened to explain to his folks that the thing he wasn't supposed to do was swim at the deep end.
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Q: WHAT happens when you play a country music song backwards?
A: You get your girl back, you get your truck back, you may even get your dog back.
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CAB-DRIVERS: Ole says, "It's a shame that all the folks who REALLY know how to run the country are all driving cabs or cutting hair."
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"A WIFE is a person who helps you through all the troubles you wouldn't have had if you hadn't got married."
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LENA WAS awakened from a deep sleeep at two AM by her husband Ole who handed her a glass of water and two aspirins.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for your headache," he muttered.
"But I don't have a headache."
"Gotcha!"
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LENA: Why do you go on the balcony when I sing? Don't you like to hear me sing?
OLE: Well, I just want the neighbours to see I'm not beating my wife.
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OLE'S WIFE, Lena: "There's trouble with the car, sweetheart. It has water in the carburetor."
Ole: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Lena: "Ole, I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Ole: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Lena: "In the lake."
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OLE COMPLAINED to his landlord. "The people upstairs are so annoying! Last night they stomped and pounded on the floor till almost midnight."
"Did they wake you up?" asked the landlord.
"No," said Ole, "Fortunately, I was playing my tuba."
Good ones!
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COUNTRY DOCTOR
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?""
I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half dozen banana peels and apple cores in the rubbish bin. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately.""You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her.Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?""
I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the minister under the bed
Ole and Lena were at the fair and saw a pilot giving rides. They went up to the pilot and asked how much it was, the pilot said, "Twenty dollars."
Ole said, "Dat's vay too much! I won't pay dat!"
Then the pilot said, "Well......If you make it through the whole ride without screaming, I wont make you pay."
Ole talked to Lena for a little while and they agreed that it was alright. So the pilot took them up in the plane and started doing a bunch of barrel roles and stuff to make them scream, but he never heard them scream. After the ride was over the pilot said, "I am surprised that you didn't scream, most people do."
Ole said, "Yeah, but it vas really hard ven Lena fell out."
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a skimpy blouse. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg."
He completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.
"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."
They took the bus.
A woman went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
;D oh no hoggy! That's too funny!
Stan goes to his shrink and tells of a terrible night of drinking that he can't get out of his mind. The psychiatrist urges Stan to describe the night in detail, so Stan tells him of a night full of drinking, flirting with the girls, more drinking and getting a little crazy with the boys before going home early in the morning. "That doesn't sound like it's different than what most people do on a weekend," says the shrink. "I'm not finished!" Stan says. "When I got home I was down because I was alone again, so I sat on the sofa and drank from a bottle of vodka until I finally fell asleep. And when I woke up in the morning, I was blowing chunks." "Well," says the shrink, "That sounds like a typical reaction based on the amount of alcohol you had consumed." "No," says Stan, "You don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
:) Good one Indian_fan. Four stars for that one
A farm hand is riding down a country road on his bicycle. As he comes around a curve there is a beautiful girl hitch hiking stark naked.
He stops and the girl jumps up on the crossbar and they start off down the road. They have gone some distance and nobody is speaking.
Finally, the girl says, "You're not very observant, are you?" The farm hand replies, "What do you mean." She says, "Haven't you noticed? I'm not wearing any clothes."
He says, "You're not very observant either, are you?'
She says, "What do you mean?"
He says, "Haven't you noticed? This is a girls' bicycle."
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck... --" and the farmer shot him.
Good one! ;D
Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Susan
;D
Truth!
:o those are so true it is almost real life to a tee...... :'(
Boredom.
Mom jokes.......
"My wife, I, and our teen aged son and daughter were out for a family dinner when my wife suddenly blurted out, 'Everyone at this table had been in my vagina!' and started laughing like crazy."
"When ever my mom wanted help putting the groceries away and have me make dinner, she'd call out 'Dinners on the table!' I'd come out of my room to find groceries on the table and a recipe on the counter."
Me: I really hope I get this apartment so I can move out.
Mom: You're still moving out even if you don't, right? (Uncontrolled laughter.)"
"'Come down for dinner!
'I'm busy, mooooom!'
'Right now before it gets cold!'
-Runs down stairs-
'Where's the food?'
'It'll be ready in 5 minutes.'"
OLE: What do they call outhouses in Chicago?
LARS: "The Unflushables."
AT ONE time Ole ran a dairy farm and did pretty well. He adpted a slogan which he hung on the wall:
"All dat I am . . . I owe to udders."
Q: WHAT happens when you play a country music song backwards?
A: You get your girl back, you get your truck back, you may even get your dog back
WHAT DID the Swede say to the Norwegian at the breakfast table? . . . "Hurry up and Finnish your Danish!"
WHAT DO you get when you cross a Lutheran and a Buddhist?
Someone who sits up all night worrying about nothing.
WHAT DO you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
A NORWEGIAN answers the phone at 3 a.m. Wrong number, so the caller apologizes.
"That's OK," said the Norwegian. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
TORVALD: Everybody should believe in something.
OLE: "Well, I believe I'll have a hot dog."
OLE SAYS he is grateful for soap operas and TV game shows. He says, "At least it keeps millions of women drivers off the road most of the day.
LARS: I heard that you had to shoot your dog, Fido. Was he mad?
OLE: Well, he wasn't exactly pleased about it.
INQUIRING REPORTER: What do you think of Red China?
DANE: If you have a yellow table cloth, it should look all right.
MAN: (Watching a funeral procession) "Who died?"
NORWEGIAN: I think it was the guy in the casket.
OLE REMEMBERS the depression times vividly. "I can remember," he tells little Ole, "that when I stepped on a dime, my shoe soles vere so thin I could tell whether it was heads or tails."
CAB-DRIVERS: Ole says, "It's a shame that all the folks who REALLY know how to run the country are all driving cabs or cutting hair."
Why do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?"
A DOG breed that didn't quite make it: Collie + Lhasa Apso – Collapso.
A Newfie is visiting Texas and starts a conversation
with a Texan at a local bar.
The Texan asks the Newfie where he's from and
the Newfie says, "You know where New York is?"
The Texan says, "Yeh, yeh, I know where New York is."
The Newfie says, "Well bye, you just drive north of
dere about 6 hours, turn right for 3 hours and catch
a 6 hour ferry and you're there in Newfoundland."
The Texan says "That's got to be close to China!"
The Newfie thinks about this and then says, "Lard
tunderin' Jaysus bye", I tink you might be right.......
I work with a Chinese guy and he goes home for
lunch every day!
Little Johnny went to a revival meeting, and the preacher asked if anybody needed prayers for any reason? Little Johnny said, "Sure preacher, you can pray for my hearing"
So the preacher invited him up to the front, and put one hand on Johnny's head, and one hand on his ear, and he prayed and he prayed. He prayed for about 5 minutes, and finally said "be healed". "So son, how is your hearing now???"
Johnny said, "Uh, I don't know, preacher, it isn't until Thursday"..... :o