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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

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Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

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Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

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At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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Sven and Ole are up fixing the roof. Sven picks up a nail, looks at it, and throws it away.
He picks up the next one, looks at it, and hammers it into the roof
The next one, he hammers it into the roof; the next one, he throws it away.
Ole says, "Sven, why do you throw away half the nails?"
Sven says, "Ole, don't you see, they have the point on the wrong end!"
Ole says, “Sven, don't be such a dummy! Those are for the OTHER side of the roof!”

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Sven and Ole go fishing. It’s such a great day, they rent a boat so they can fish from the middle of the lake. They row out, drop their lines, and before you know it, they're catching fish, one after another after another. They can’t believe what a great fishing spot they found.
Sven says, “This is the best fishing spot in the county. It’s just too bad we didn’t bring some paint.”
Ole asks, “Paint? Why should you want paint, to go fishing?”
“Well Ole, don’t you see, so we can paint an “X” in the bottom of the boat, so we can find this spot next time.”
Ole laughs at him. “Sven, don’t be such a dummy! Next time, what if they give us a different boat?”

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The doctor tells Ole he only has a few days left to live. Ole thinks a little, looks hard at Lena, and says, “Lena, promise me. Swear to me that when I’m gone, you’ll marry Sven Svenson.”
“SVEN SVENSON???” she shrieks. “You’ve hated him all your life!”
Ole answers, “Yep, I still do.”

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A few days pass. Now Ole only has a few hours left to live. Lying in bed, he smells something. Cake. Chocolate cake, his favorite! He crawls out of bed and drags himself to the kitchen.

When Lena walks in, there is Ole, sitting at the kitchen table, eating cake. She hollers at him, “Ole! What are you doing in here? You’re sick! You should be in bed! You shouldn’t be out here eating cake! That’s for the funeral!”

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Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice.
The clerk asks her, “What do you want it to say?”
“Ole died.”
The clerk looks up. “What else?”
“Nothing else.”
“But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don’t you want to say anything else about him?”
“Nope.”
The clerk thinks a minute. “You know, Lena, it won’t cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price.”
“Ten words, and it won’t cost extra?” she asks.
The clerk nods.
Lena thinks hard, then says, “Ole died. Boat for sale.”

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Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."

"Vy's dat?" Ole asked.

"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."

Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"

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Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the Lena tells Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time. Well, Ole is ecstatic, but he has never (vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to know about protection and (vell ya know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, Ole shows up at the Lena's parent's house and meets her at the door. "Ole I'm so excited for you ta meet my parents, come on in." Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena's parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and whispers to her Ole, "I had no idea you vere so religious."

Ole turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father vas a pharmacist."

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Posted by Hoggy

- November 06, 2015, 21:26:00 PM

Two nuns who belong to a sect that prohibits them from ever speaking to one another are walking through the jungle one day. Suddenly a silver back gorilla jumps out of a tree, throws one of the nuns to the ground, tears off her clothes and rapes her.

The other nun helps her up and back to their compound, all the time thinking "Oh my God. I wonder what that was like for her." But because they are prohibited from talking, she can't ask.

Thirty years go by and the nun who was attacked is dying. The other nun knows she shouldn't talk to her but has been so curious all these years that she breaks her vow and asks the other nun; "You remember the time the gorilla raped you. What was that like? Did it hurt?

The other nun replies:

"HURT!" He never wrote, he never called."

Posted by greenbarn

- November 06, 2015, 21:24:11 PM

A guy goes into the lawyer's office, and asks him how much his fee is.
"I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says.
"That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the guy asks.
"Yes, it is" the lawyer admits, "Now what's your last question?"

Posted by CDNRatMan

- November 06, 2015, 20:50:46 PM

the novice nun comes running into the Mother Superior's office, and tells her, "i was walking back from the market and was attacked in the woods by a large man and he had his way with me" .......the Mother Superior tells quickly run to the kitchen and get a large lemon and suck on it till I get there.
The novice starts to head off and stops turns and asks will that stop me from getting pregnant?
The Mother Superior shakes her head and say's................

No but it will wipe that smile off your face......................................

Posted by greenbarn

- November 06, 2015, 20:38:38 PM

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"\
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she exclaims: "What the *#@%D!* did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Oh, Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

Posted by greenbarn

- November 06, 2015, 20:20:06 PM

Reminds me of the priest who asked the nun if he can walk her back to the convent.
She says, "Just this once."
Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

Posted by DC

- November 06, 2015, 20:04:02 PM

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
The nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h". The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf. "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?" "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."

Posted by DC

- November 06, 2015, 18:22:51 PM

HA! Good one!

Posted by Hoggy

- November 04, 2015, 20:11:33 PM

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck ass naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it and begged for more!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk

Posted by DC

- November 03, 2015, 15:13:51 PM

Good one, Hoggy!

Posted by Hoggy

- November 01, 2015, 08:53:26 AM

Irish Neighbours!

A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer. " A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Posted by Hoggy

- November 01, 2015, 08:45:58 AM

Paddy Murphy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.

He phones the police and says "I've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"

Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef"

Posted by 49Reo

- October 30, 2015, 14:54:53 PM

The Bronze Rat

A tourist walks into a curio shop in New York City. Looking around at the exotics, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner:
"How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was very disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the Hudson River, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS -- and they were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the river, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze anti-gunner."

Posted by CDNRatMan

- October 15, 2015, 17:00:46 PM

if the size 14 fits wear it......

Posted by 49Reo

- October 15, 2015, 14:44:01 PM

Quote from: CDNRatMan on October 14, 2015, 22:54:58 PM

well let us see.....

1. your old
2. you hunt
3. your old
4. you live like a farmer
5. your old
6. sounds a lot like you
7. your old

ok enough reasons to drag you into this

. And just WHO are you calling.........old......

Posted by DC

- October 15, 2015, 10:30:49 AM

Quote from: greenbarn on October 14, 2015, 20:49:55 PM
That's a good one DC.

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