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Posted by greenbarn
- November 06, 2015, 20:20:06 PMReminds me of the priest who asked the nun if he can walk her back to the convent.
She says, "Just this once."
Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."
Posted by DC
- November 06, 2015, 20:04:02 PMA police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
The nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h". The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf. "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?" "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."
Posted by DC
- November 06, 2015, 18:22:51 PMHA! Good one! 
Posted by Hoggy
- November 04, 2015, 20:11:33 PMA drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck ass naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it and begged for more!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk
Posted by DC
- November 03, 2015, 15:13:51 PMGood one, Hoggy!
Posted by Hoggy
- November 01, 2015, 08:53:26 AMIrish Neighbours!
A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer. " A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Posted by Hoggy
- November 01, 2015, 08:45:58 AMPaddy Murphy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "I've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"
Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef"
Posted by 49Reo
- October 30, 2015, 14:54:53 PMThe Bronze Rat
A tourist walks into a curio shop in New York City. Looking around at the exotics, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.He took it to the owner:
"How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was very disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the Hudson River, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS -- and they were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the river, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze anti-gunner."
Posted by CDNRatMan
- October 15, 2015, 17:00:46 PMif the size 14 fits wear it......
Posted by 49Reo
- October 15, 2015, 14:44:01 PMQuote from: CDNRatMan on October 14, 2015, 22:54:58 PMwell let us see.....
1. your old
2. you hunt
3. your old
4. you live like a farmer
5. your old
6. sounds a lot like you
7. your oldok enough reasons to drag you into this
. And just WHO are you calling.........old......
Posted by DC
- October 15, 2015, 10:30:49 AM
Posted by CDNRatMan
- October 14, 2015, 22:54:58 PMQuotewell let us see......so how did I get drug in to this?.....
1. your old
2. you hunt
3. your old
4. you live like a farmer
5. your old
6. sounds a lot like you
7. your old
ok enough reasons to drag you into this
Posted by 49Reo
- October 14, 2015, 22:49:25 PM.....so how did I get drug in to this?......
Posted by greenbarn
- October 14, 2015, 21:15:52 PMSo this slick big city lawyer goes duck hunting. He shoots a duck, but it falls on the other side of a fence, into a neighboring farmer's field. As the lawyer is climbing over the fence to get the duck, this old farmer (he's about 49's age), drives up on his old tractor and asked the lawyer what he's doing.
Lawyer: "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
Farmer: "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replies, "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the state, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiles and says, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts. Around here, we settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
Lawyer: "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
Farmer: "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone finally gives up."
So the lawyer, thinking about the proposed contest of toughness and strength, quickly sized up the old man and decided that he could easily take the old codger, so he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. With his first kick, he plants the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which drops him to his knees. He immediately follows with his second kick, which nearly rips the nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly now, when the farmer drives his third kick into a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but he didn't.
So the lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to crawl to his feet and he says "Okay, old man, now it's my turn."
The old farmer just smiled and said, "Naw, I give up, You win, You can keep yer damn duck!"
Posted by greenbarn
- October 14, 2015, 20:49:55 PMThat's a good one DC.