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Posted by John Hopkins
- February 09, 2015, 09:07:23 AMAfter 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 06, 2015, 08:48:37 AMRuss and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud, that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 05, 2015, 11:45:31 AMA wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Of course, she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
''Go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ..... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 05, 2015, 06:37:25 AMJeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your nearest neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a New Year's Eve party. Thought you might like to come. It'll start at about 6:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready for a bit of civilization. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops and turns around. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. " I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
Stan starts to walk away, but turns around "More'n' likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all
alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 04, 2015, 14:46:07 PMThe CIA had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
Posted by greenbarn
- February 03, 2015, 20:04:17 PMKeep 'em coming John.... I'm having a laugh reading them... It's like "joke of the day" column..
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 03, 2015, 07:51:11 AMUnexpected sex – that's a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison...
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 02, 2015, 16:54:34 PMJim Leslie, an elderly Scottish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Jim.
"Well," said Jim, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful," said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Jim.
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 02, 2015, 08:52:45 AMBlonde In First Class
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Posted by CDNRatMan
- January 31, 2015, 15:28:26 PMMy first wife died of eating poisoned mushrooms, poor girl. Then a few years later my second wife died of a broken neck, she would not eat the mushrooms..........
Posted by greenbarn
- January 31, 2015, 10:48:14 AMQuote from: John Hopkins on January 31, 2015, 09:21:12 AMThose are a couple of good ones..I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?".
Posted by John Hopkins
- January 31, 2015, 09:21:12 AMI'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?".
Posted by John Hopkins
- January 30, 2015, 08:15:00 AMI was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
Posted by John Hopkins
- January 27, 2015, 07:21:59 AMA mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that some people believe when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist idiots. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!Posted by John Hopkins
- January 26, 2015, 10:34:42 AMGod visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long
slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and
made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........
The woman replied: " And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"