GUEST? Registration opens up many more resources which are not available to guests. Registration is free, we never sell or give others access to your information.
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 05, 2015, 06:37:25 AMJeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your nearest neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a New Year's Eve party. Thought you might like to come. It'll start at about 6:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready for a bit of civilization. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops and turns around. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. " I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
Stan starts to walk away, but turns around "More'n' likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all
alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 04, 2015, 14:46:07 PMThe CIA had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
Posted by greenbarn
- February 03, 2015, 20:04:17 PMKeep 'em coming John.... I'm having a laugh reading them... It's like "joke of the day" column..
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 03, 2015, 07:51:11 AMUnexpected sex – that's a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison...
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 02, 2015, 16:54:34 PMJim Leslie, an elderly Scottish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Jim.
"Well," said Jim, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful," said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Jim.
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 02, 2015, 08:52:45 AMBlonde In First Class
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Posted by CDNRatMan
- January 31, 2015, 15:28:26 PMMy first wife died of eating poisoned mushrooms, poor girl. Then a few years later my second wife died of a broken neck, she would not eat the mushrooms..........
Posted by greenbarn
- January 31, 2015, 10:48:14 AMQuote from: John Hopkins on January 31, 2015, 09:21:12 AMThose are a couple of good ones..I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?".
Posted by John Hopkins
- January 31, 2015, 09:21:12 AMI'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?".
Posted by John Hopkins
- January 30, 2015, 08:15:00 AMI was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
Posted by John Hopkins
- January 27, 2015, 07:21:59 AMA mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was explaining to my wife last night that some people believe when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist idiots. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!Posted by John Hopkins
- January 26, 2015, 10:34:42 AMGod visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long
slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and
made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........
The woman replied: " And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"
Posted by John Hopkins
- January 23, 2015, 17:16:58 PMAfter picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
Posted by John Hopkins
- January 13, 2015, 19:04:49 PMGeorge has been living alone for some years. He's a bit lonely as his life is basically working long hours and spending time at home in front of the TV. So he decides to buy himself a pet for some company. A cat or a dog are no good due to all the hours he works so he thinks a hamster would be okay. So he goes along to the petshop and talks to the owner about buying a hamster and what he would need for it. He also asks about how to look after the little furry creature. Then he goes back home carrying his new hamster, in a shiny cage. He gets home and takes the hamster out of the cage, pets it and feeds it and generally feels quite happy with his new pet. That night he covered the cage with a blanket and the next morning, bright and early, he rushed down to take a look at his new pet. But, there was the hamster, lying dead with its feet in the air! Totally distraught and not knowing what to do, but he decided to phone the pet shop owner. "I'm really sorry to hear that." said the pet shop owner, "We haven't got any more in stock at the moment but if you come in next week I'll give you a new one" "But what am I to do with a dead hamster?" George asked. "Well, you can either bury it in your garden, or... if you don't mind me suggesting it... you can make a special fertilizer for your garden from it!" George was a bit shocked at this, but asked the pet shop owner how to do that. "First you take the dead hamster and put it in a food mixer, add half a bag of sugar, some strawberries and large bucket of water. Mix the hamster, sugar and strawberries and then pour the mixture in to the bucket with the water. Give it a good stir and then go out and spread it on your garden." Still a little unsure George thanked the owner and put the phone down. He stood there looking at his dead hamster and decided that he would try out the fertilizer recipe and see what happens. After he'd got back from the garden he cleaned himself up and went to bed a little bit upset at what had happened. Next morning he got up and opened his curtains to look at the garden. To his surprise it was full of flowers, bright yellow daffodils all over where he'd spread the fertilizer! He rushed downstairs and phoned the pet shop and told the owner the news... "Daffodils?" he said. "Are you sure they are daffodils?" "Yes," replied George "the whole garden is full of them." "That's very strange" said the pet shop owner... "You normally get Tulips from Hamster Jam!"
Posted by greenbarn
- December 20, 2014, 21:07:05 PMAn, another thing...
A Irishman left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend drinking at the pub with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
So, he didn't see his wife all day Monday.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.