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Posted by 49Reo
- December 18, 2014, 14:12:55 PMOne day a guy in Alabama was killed in a house fire; he was burned so bad, the coroner couldn't identify him; he thought it might be Bubba, but just couldn't be sure. He talked to the sheriff about it, and the sheriff told him that if anyone could possibly identify the remains, it would be his 2 best friends, Clem and Billy-Bob. "They are always together." The coroner said he would talk to the, so the sheriff brought them in
The next morning, here comes the sheriff with Billy-Bob and Clem in tow. The coroner explained what the problem was and Clem and Billy-Bob said they would give it a try.
So the coroner brings Billy-Bob in first. He uncovers the body, Billy-Bob stood wide-eyed, and said; "dang, that old boy is burnt bad! I can't tell for sure. The coroner, looking disappointed, started to cover the body, when Billy-Bob got excited, and said;
"Hey, turn him over!" The coroner turns the body over, Billy-Bod looks for a minute, says
"Nope! That ain't Bubba!"
So the coroner, looking disappointed, turns the corpse back over and covers him back up, then takes Billy-Bob to the waiting room, and said;"wait here." He takes Clem in to the examining room and uncovers the body.
Clem looks, wide-eyed, and says;" DANG!! That ol' boy is COOKED!! " He looks dumbfounded, says he can't tell, then gets excited, and tells the coroner, "Hey! Turn him over!" The coroner looks puzzled, then rolls the corpse over.
Clem looks, and says; "Nope, It ain't Bubba! No way. The coroner sighs, covers the corpse, and takes Clem back to the waiting room. He tells Clem to have a seat. He looks thoughtful for a moment, and says," so how come you couldn't tell looking at his front, but when I turned him over you both said 'no, that ain't Bubba!' How could you tell?"
Billy-Bob says, "shoot, thats easy! This guy only has one a$$hole! Bubba, he's got two a$$holes!"
" What do you mean, Bubba has two a$$holes! I've never heard of that!", replies the coroner.
Clem said,"oh yeah, its true! Every time we would come to town with Bubba, everyone would say, 'Hey! Here comes Bubba with them 2 a$$holes!!" 
Posted by greenbarn
- December 17, 2014, 21:53:45 PMMurphy's a little slow, eh?
Posted by 49Reo
- December 17, 2014, 10:50:15 AMFace-palm...face-palm...
Posted by John Hopkins
- December 17, 2014, 05:58:19 AMA doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patient
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Tunderin' Lord Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."Posted by John Hopkins
- December 08, 2014, 15:41:01 PMA farmer took his truck to the mechanics to have it fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far off and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and 5 litres of paint. He then stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to there. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. '
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, take down my knickers and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'No chance lady! I'm carrying a bucket, 5 litres of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'.
Posted by John Hopkins
- December 08, 2014, 15:11:32 PMA hungry student walks into a seedy cafe.
He sits at the counter and notices a massive biker with his tattoed arms folded, staring blankly at a steaming bowl of chilli.
After a few minutes of sitting there staring at it, the student bravely asks "If that's too hot for you, do you mind if I eat it?"
The biker slowly turns his head and says "Go ahead"
Eagerly he takes the bowl and hungrily begins spooning it into his mouth. He gets nearly to the bottom when he sees a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was so shocking he immediately pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
The biker says
"Thats as far as I got too!"
Posted by 49Reo
- December 08, 2014, 11:04:17 AM...have they found his body yet?
Posted by CDNRatMan
- December 08, 2014, 10:46:51 AMoh like that one........
need to go and buy a truck load of teddy bears now.........Posted by John Hopkins
- December 08, 2014, 06:17:17 AMThe Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along The bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself Thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'The guy gently smiles at her,Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
*
*
*
*
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
Posted by greenbarn
- November 26, 2014, 21:08:42 PM
lol
Posted by 49Reo
- November 25, 2014, 09:28:55 AMCute...
Posted by John Hopkins
- November 25, 2014, 05:47:37 AMAfter becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,
'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ....
"THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"