Joke

[greenbarn]

Little Johnny went to a revival meeting, and the preacher asked if anybody needed prayers for any reason?  Little Johnny said, "Sure preacher, you can pray for my hearing"

So the preacher invited him up to the front, and put one hand on Johnny's head, and one hand on his ear, and he prayed and he prayed.  He prayed for about 5 minutes, and finally said "be healed".    "So son, how is your hearing now???"

Johnny said, "Uh, I don't know, preacher, it isn't until Thursday".....

[Hoggy]

A Newfie is visiting Texas and starts a conversation
with a Texan at a local bar.
The Texan asks the Newfie where he's from and
the Newfie says, "You know where New York is?"

The Texan says, "Yeh, yeh, I know where New York is."

The Newfie says, "Well bye, you just drive north of
dere about 6 hours, turn right for 3 hours and catch
a 6 hour ferry and you're there in Newfoundland."

The Texan says "That's got to be close to China!"

The Newfie thinks about this and then says, "Lard
tunderin' Jaysus bye", I tink you might be right.......
I work with a Chinese guy and he goes home for
lunch every day!

[DC]

 OLE: What do they call outhouses in Chicago?

LARS: "The Unflushables."

AT ONE time Ole ran a dairy farm and did pretty well. He adpted a slogan which he hung on the wall:

"All dat I am . . . I owe to udders."

Q: WHAT happens when you play a country music song backwards?

A: You get your girl back, you get your truck back, you may even get your dog back

WHAT DID the Swede say to the Norwegian at the breakfast table? . . . "Hurry up and Finnish your Danish!"

WHAT DO you get when you cross a Lutheran and a Buddhist?

Someone who sits up all night worrying about nothing.

WHAT DO you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

A NORWEGIAN answers the phone at 3 a.m. Wrong number, so the caller apologizes.

"That's OK," said the Norwegian. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

TORVALD: Everybody should believe in something.

OLE: "Well, I believe I'll have a hot dog."

OLE SAYS he is grateful for soap operas and TV game shows. He says, "At least it keeps millions of women drivers off the road most of the day.

LARS: I heard that you had to shoot your dog, Fido. Was he mad?

OLE: Well, he wasn't exactly pleased about it.

INQUIRING REPORTER: What do you think of Red China?

DANE: If you have a yellow table cloth, it should look all right.

MAN: (Watching a funeral procession) "Who died?"

NORWEGIAN: I think it was the guy in the casket.

OLE REMEMBERS the depression times vividly. "I can remember," he tells little Ole, "that when I stepped on a dime, my shoe soles vere so thin I could tell whether it was heads or tails."
CAB-DRIVERS: Ole says, "It's a shame that all the folks who REALLY know how to run the country are all driving cabs or cutting hair."

Why do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?"

A DOG breed that didn't quite make it: Collie + Lhasa Apso – Collapso.

[CDNRatMan]

  Mom jokes.......

"My wife, I, and our teen aged son and daughter were out for a family dinner when my wife suddenly blurted out, 'Everyone at this table had been in my vagina!' and started laughing like crazy."

"When ever my mom wanted help putting the groceries away and have me make dinner, she'd call out 'Dinners on the table!' I'd come out of my room to find groceries on the table and a recipe on the counter."

Me: I really hope I get this apartment so I can move out.
Mom: You're still moving out even if you don't, right? (Uncontrolled laughter.)"

"'Come down for dinner!
'I'm busy, mooooom!'
'Right now before it gets cold!'
-Runs down stairs-
'Where's the food?'
'It'll be ready in 5 minutes.'"

[Hoggy]

                                                                      Boredom.

[CDNRatMan]

  those are so true it is almost real life to a tee......

[pcarrell]

Truth!

[DC]

 

[Hoggy]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small  town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too.. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

[DC]

Good one!   

[greenbarn]

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck... --" and the farmer shot him.

[Hoggy]

A farm hand is riding down a country road on his bicycle. As he comes around a curve there is a beautiful girl hitch hiking stark naked.

He stops and the girl jumps up on the crossbar and they start off down the road. They have gone some distance and nobody is speaking.

Finally, the girl says, "You're not very observant, are you?" The farm hand replies, "What do you mean."  She says, "Haven't you noticed?  I'm not wearing any clothes."

He says, "You're not very observant either, are you?'
She says, "What do you mean?"
He says, "Haven't you noticed? This is a girls' bicycle."

[Hoggy]

  Good one Indian_fan. Four stars for that one

[Indian_fan]

Stan goes to his shrink and tells of a terrible night of drinking that he can't get out of his mind. The psychiatrist urges Stan to describe the night in detail, so Stan tells him of a night full of drinking, flirting with the girls, more drinking and getting a little crazy with the boys before going home early in the morning. "That doesn't sound like it's different than what most people do on a weekend," says the shrink. "I'm not finished!" Stan says. "When I got home I was down because I was alone again, so I sat on the sofa and drank from a bottle of vodka until I finally fell asleep. And when I woke up in the morning, I was blowing chunks." "Well," says the shrink, "That sounds like a typical reaction based on the amount of alcohol you had consumed." "No," says Stan, "You don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

[Indian_fan]

  oh no hoggy! That's too funny!

[Hoggy]

A woman went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided  she had to
have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation  considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."

[Indian_fan]

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a skimpy blouse. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg."
He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

They took the bus.

[DC]

Ole and Lena were at the fair and saw a pilot giving rides. They went up to the pilot and asked how much it was, the pilot said, "Twenty dollars."

Ole said, "Dat's vay too much! I won't pay dat!"

Then the pilot said, "Well......If you make it through the whole ride without screaming, I wont make you pay."

Ole talked to Lena for a little while and they agreed that it was alright. So the pilot took them up in the plane and started doing a bunch of barrel roles and stuff to make them scream, but he never heard them scream. After the ride was over the pilot said, "I am surprised that you didn't scream, most people do."

Ole said, "Yeah, but it vas really hard ven Lena fell out."

[Hoggy]

COUNTRY DOCTOR

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?""

I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half dozen banana peels and apple cores in the rubbish bin. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately.""You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her.Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?""

I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the minister under the bed

[DC]

[pcarrell]

Good ones!

[DC]

 THE TEACHER was writing some sentences on the blackboard when she dropped her chalk. As she bent over to pick it up, little Arnie piped up, "Teacher . . . I can see two inches above your knee."

Outraged, the teacher said, "Arnie, for your impertinence you are expelled from school for one week."

Shortly, the teacher dropped the chalk again and bent over to pick it up. This time little Ralph spoke up, "Teacher . . . I can see four inches above your knee."

Infuriated once again, the teacher ordered little Ralph to be expelled for two weeks. Ten minutes later the teacher once again dropped the chalk; and again, stooped over to pick it up. As she raised up, she noticed little Ole grabbing his school books and heading toward the door.

"Ole, where are you going?" asked the teacher.

Answered Ole ... "I'm going home teacher, my school days are over."

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LITTLE OLE had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine," said Lena, his pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not to misbehave, he will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask him to help me not to misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked him to help you put up with me."

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ONE DAY when he was a lad of six, Little Ole climbed out of the swimming pool and announced to Ole and Lena, "I just did someting in the swimming pool I wasn't supposed to do."

Several dozen people in the pool overheard the remark, and climbed out at once. Seeing the furore he had created, Little Ole hastened to explain to his folks that the thing he wasn't supposed to do was swim at the deep end.

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Q: WHAT happens when you play a country music song backwards?

A: You get your girl back, you get your truck back, you may even get your dog back.

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CAB-DRIVERS: Ole says, "It's a shame that all the folks who REALLY know how to run the country are all driving cabs or cutting hair."

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"A WIFE is a person who helps you through all the troubles you wouldn't have had if you hadn't got married."

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LENA WAS awakened from a deep sleeep at two AM by her husband Ole who handed her a glass of water and two aspirins.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for your headache," he muttered.

"But I don't have a headache."

"Gotcha!"

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LENA: Why do you go on the balcony when I sing? Don't you like to hear me sing?

OLE: Well, I just want the neighbours to see I'm not beating my wife.

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OLE'S WIFE, Lena: "There's trouble with the car, sweetheart. It has water in the carburetor."

Ole: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Lena: "Ole, I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

Ole: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

Lena: "In the lake."

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OLE COMPLAINED to his landlord. "The people upstairs are so annoying! Last night they stomped and pounded on the floor till almost midnight."

"Did they wake you up?" asked the landlord.

"No," said Ole, "Fortunately, I was playing my tuba."

[49Reo]

Lars tells Ole, "I haff to go to da hospital tomorrow und get circumsized." Ole says, "ya I got dat done when I vas a few days olt."

"Oh," says Lars, "how vas it?"

"Vell, says Ole, "I couldn't valk for about a year."   

[Troll]

Gotta love those Norhoogian jokes....

[DC]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Vy sure," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Ver ya from?"

"Norvay," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norvay too! Let's have anudder round to Norvay."

Curious, the first man then asks: "Vere in Norvay are ya from?"

"Bergen," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have anudder drink to old Bergen."

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, vere did you live?"

"On a boat, at da fishin docks," replies the second man.

"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."

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Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."

Ole replied, "Criminy, dat's bad Doc, but vy should I move in vit my old mudder-in-law."

The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."

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Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."

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Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning.

Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that is is a Caesarian."

Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Norvegian."

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Sven and Ole bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Sven says to Ole, "I thought you had the keys."

Ole says, "You ver driving, da driver always takes da keys."

"Well," says Sven, "It doesn't much matter, da question is vat are ve going ta do about it."

Ole says, "I don't know, but ve bedder come up vit someting fast because it looks like rain, and you had ta go and leave da top down."

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Sven and Ole were building a house. Sven was holding a board and Ole was sawing it. All of a sudden, the saw slipped and cut off one of Sven's ears. They both were digging through the sawdust to find it, and Ole picked up an ear.

Ole says, " Is this it?

Sven says, "Naw, mine had a pencil behind it."

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Ole and Lars go ice fishin. Ole pulls out his new thermos and Lars says to him, "Ole, whatcha got der?".

Ole says, "Well Lars, dis here's a thermos. It keeps hot tings hot, and it keeps cold tings cold."

After awhile, Lars gets curious and says, "Vell Ole, whatcha got in dat der thermos?"

Ole says, "Vell Lars, I got a popsicle, and two cups a coffee."