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Posted by Hoggy
- September 18, 2016, 15:08:17 PMBoredom.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- September 14, 2016, 16:10:52 PM 
those are so true it is almost real life to a tee...... 
Posted by pcarrell
- September 14, 2016, 08:11:01 AMTruth!
Posted by DC
- September 04, 2016, 20:50:06 PM 
Posted by Hoggy
- September 03, 2016, 17:38:53 PMLife in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,I am well. Hope youse are too.. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Susan
Posted by DC
- August 07, 2016, 10:06:53 AMGood one!
Posted by greenbarn
- August 06, 2016, 09:07:39 AMThere once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck... --" and the farmer shot him.
Posted by Hoggy
- August 05, 2016, 21:43:55 PMA farm hand is riding down a country road on his bicycle. As he comes around a curve there is a beautiful girl hitch hiking stark naked.
He stops and the girl jumps up on the crossbar and they start off down the road. They have gone some distance and nobody is speaking.
Finally, the girl says, "You're not very observant, are you?" The farm hand replies, "What do you mean." She says, "Haven't you noticed? I'm not wearing any clothes."
He says, "You're not very observant either, are you?'
She says, "What do you mean?"
He says, "Haven't you noticed? This is a girls' bicycle."
Posted by Hoggy
- August 05, 2016, 21:28:31 PM 
Good one Indian_fan. Four stars for that one
Posted by Indian_fan
- August 04, 2016, 19:32:35 PMStan goes to his shrink and tells of a terrible night of drinking that he can't get out of his mind. The psychiatrist urges Stan to describe the night in detail, so Stan tells him of a night full of drinking, flirting with the girls, more drinking and getting a little crazy with the boys before going home early in the morning. "That doesn't sound like it's different than what most people do on a weekend," says the shrink. "I'm not finished!" Stan says. "When I got home I was down because I was alone again, so I sat on the sofa and drank from a bottle of vodka until I finally fell asleep. And when I woke up in the morning, I was blowing chunks." "Well," says the shrink, "That sounds like a typical reaction based on the amount of alcohol you had consumed." "No," says Stan, "You don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
Posted by Indian_fan
- August 04, 2016, 19:14:09 PM oh no hoggy! That's too funny!
Posted by Hoggy
- August 04, 2016, 09:03:05 AMA woman went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
Posted by Indian_fan
- August 03, 2016, 18:58:03 PMThree priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a skimpy blouse. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg."
He completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.
"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."
They took the bus.
Posted by DC
- August 03, 2016, 15:39:28 PMOle and Lena were at the fair and saw a pilot giving rides. They went up to the pilot and asked how much it was, the pilot said, "Twenty dollars."
Ole said, "Dat's vay too much! I won't pay dat!"
Then the pilot said, "Well......If you make it through the whole ride without screaming, I wont make you pay."
Ole talked to Lena for a little while and they agreed that it was alright. So the pilot took them up in the plane and started doing a bunch of barrel roles and stuff to make them scream, but he never heard them scream. After the ride was over the pilot said, "I am surprised that you didn't scream, most people do."
Ole said, "Yeah, but it vas really hard ven Lena fell out."
Posted by Hoggy
- August 03, 2016, 14:21:06 PMCOUNTRY DOCTOR
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?""
I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half dozen banana peels and apple cores in the rubbish bin. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately.""You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her.Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?""
I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the minister under the bed