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Posted by DC
- August 03, 2016, 15:39:28 PMOle and Lena were at the fair and saw a pilot giving rides. They went up to the pilot and asked how much it was, the pilot said, "Twenty dollars."
Ole said, "Dat's vay too much! I won't pay dat!"
Then the pilot said, "Well......If you make it through the whole ride without screaming, I wont make you pay."
Ole talked to Lena for a little while and they agreed that it was alright. So the pilot took them up in the plane and started doing a bunch of barrel roles and stuff to make them scream, but he never heard them scream. After the ride was over the pilot said, "I am surprised that you didn't scream, most people do."
Ole said, "Yeah, but it vas really hard ven Lena fell out."
Posted by Hoggy
- August 03, 2016, 14:21:06 PMCOUNTRY DOCTOR
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?""
I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half dozen banana peels and apple cores in the rubbish bin. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately.""You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her.Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?""
I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the minister under the bed
Posted by DC
- July 20, 2016, 09:36:19 AM
Posted by pcarrell
- June 24, 2016, 21:20:21 PMGood ones!
Posted by DC
- June 24, 2016, 16:04:24 PMTHE TEACHER was writing some sentences on the blackboard when she dropped her chalk. As she bent over to pick it up, little Arnie piped up, "Teacher . . . I can see two inches above your knee."
Outraged, the teacher said, "Arnie, for your impertinence you are expelled from school for one week."
Shortly, the teacher dropped the chalk again and bent over to pick it up. This time little Ralph spoke up, "Teacher . . . I can see four inches above your knee."
Infuriated once again, the teacher ordered little Ralph to be expelled for two weeks. Ten minutes later the teacher once again dropped the chalk; and again, stooped over to pick it up. As she raised up, she noticed little Ole grabbing his school books and heading toward the door.
"Ole, where are you going?" asked the teacher.
Answered Ole ... "I'm going home teacher, my school days are over."
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LITTLE OLE had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine," said Lena, his pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not to misbehave, he will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask him to help me not to misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked him to help you put up with me."
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ONE DAY when he was a lad of six, Little Ole climbed out of the swimming pool and announced to Ole and Lena, "I just did someting in the swimming pool I wasn't supposed to do."
Several dozen people in the pool overheard the remark, and climbed out at once. Seeing the furore he had created, Little Ole hastened to explain to his folks that the thing he wasn't supposed to do was swim at the deep end.
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Q: WHAT happens when you play a country music song backwards?
A: You get your girl back, you get your truck back, you may even get your dog back.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------CAB-DRIVERS: Ole says, "It's a shame that all the folks who REALLY know how to run the country are all driving cabs or cutting hair."
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"A WIFE is a person who helps you through all the troubles you wouldn't have had if you hadn't got married."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------LENA WAS awakened from a deep sleeep at two AM by her husband Ole who handed her a glass of water and two aspirins.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for your headache," he muttered.
"But I don't have a headache."
"Gotcha!"
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LENA: Why do you go on the balcony when I sing? Don't you like to hear me sing?
OLE: Well, I just want the neighbours to see I'm not beating my wife.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------OLE'S WIFE, Lena: "There's trouble with the car, sweetheart. It has water in the carburetor."
Ole: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Lena: "Ole, I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Ole: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Lena: "In the lake."
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OLE COMPLAINED to his landlord. "The people upstairs are so annoying! Last night they stomped and pounded on the floor till almost midnight."
"Did they wake you up?" asked the landlord.
"No," said Ole, "Fortunately, I was playing my tuba."
Posted by 49Reo
- June 20, 2016, 00:50:10 AMLars tells Ole, "I haff to go to da hospital tomorrow und get circumsized." Ole says, "ya I got dat done when I vas a few days olt."
"Oh," says Lars, "how vas it?"
"Vell, says Ole, "I couldn't valk for about a year." 
Posted by Troll
- June 10, 2016, 12:57:57 PMGotta love those Norhoogian jokes....
Posted by DC
- June 10, 2016, 11:41:07 AMA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Vy sure," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Ver ya from?"
"Norvay," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norvay too! Let's have anudder round to Norvay."
Curious, the first man then asks: "Vere in Norvay are ya from?"
"Bergen," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have anudder drink to old Bergen."
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, vere did you live?"
"On a boat, at da fishin docks," replies the second man.
"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."
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Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."
Ole replied, "Criminy, dat's bad Doc, but vy should I move in vit my old mudder-in-law."
The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."
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Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."
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Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning.
Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that is is a Caesarian."
Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Norvegian."
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Sven and Ole bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Sven says to Ole, "I thought you had the keys."
Ole says, "You ver driving, da driver always takes da keys."
"Well," says Sven, "It doesn't much matter, da question is vat are ve going ta do about it."
Ole says, "I don't know, but ve bedder come up vit someting fast because it looks like rain, and you had ta go and leave da top down."
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Sven and Ole were building a house. Sven was holding a board and Ole was sawing it. All of a sudden, the saw slipped and cut off one of Sven's ears. They both were digging through the sawdust to find it, and Ole picked up an ear.
Ole says, " Is this it?
Sven says, "Naw, mine had a pencil behind it."
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Ole and Lars go ice fishin. Ole pulls out his new thermos and Lars says to him, "Ole, whatcha got der?".
Ole says, "Well Lars, dis here's a thermos. It keeps hot tings hot, and it keeps cold tings cold."
After awhile, Lars gets curious and says, "Vell Ole, whatcha got in dat der thermos?"
Ole says, "Vell Lars, I got a popsicle, and two cups a coffee."
Posted by mittico68
- June 09, 2016, 02:54:30 AM"Doc" says the man to his doctor, "I've got a strong diarrhea... Can I take a shower?"
And the doctor: "If your sh*t is enough..."
Posted by Hoggy
- June 08, 2016, 17:30:00 PM 
Posted by DC
- June 08, 2016, 11:57:11 AMOle, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven.
God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there. I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."
So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously.
On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell.
On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.
Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, "What are you laughing about?".
Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!".
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Ole called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?
"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell, said Ole, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
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Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."
Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice."
They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"
The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."
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Lars: "Ole, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking".
Ole: "Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No...."
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Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July.
The directions on the can said "put on two coats".
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Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.
Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!
Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!
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Ole says to the doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."
Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"
Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."
Posted by Hoggy
- June 07, 2016, 22:24:42 PMRough Road
Posted by Hoggy
- February 15, 2016, 19:22:03 PMQuote from: CDNRatMan on February 14, 2016, 13:35:58 PMok let us offend everyone.....
Yeah, that pretty much covers it.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- February 14, 2016, 13:35:58 PM ok let us offend everyone.....
I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, "I've not eaten for two days."
I said to him, "I wish I had your willpower!"
Apparently, "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, "Sorry about the wait."
I said, "Don't worry my dear.. You might lose it eventually."
An Irish boy stood crying at the side of the road. A man asked him, "What's wrong?"
The boy said, "Me ma is dead."
"Oh bejaysus," the man said. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
The boy said, no tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a bus or train and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"
A man in a hot air balloon was lost over Ireland. He looked down and saw a farmer in the fields and shouted down to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looked back up and shouted back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."
I had this trivia competition in the bag until the very last question, which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.
A fat woman had a medical at the doctors, he told her, your are grossly overweight, she said, I want a second opinion, he said, O.K. you're bloody ugly as well.
Posted by Hoggy
- February 10, 2016, 11:59:56 AMPaddy is walking down the street with a bag of doughnuts in his hand. He spots Mickey coming the other way and says:
Mickey if you can guess how many doughnuts I have in the bag you can have both of them.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want
don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
Paddy gets a letter through the letterbox and it lands on the floor. In big bold letters on the front it says 'DO NOT BEND'. Paddy's still there wondering how he's going to pick it up.
What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture"