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Posted by Hoggy
- February 15, 2016, 19:22:03 PMQuote from: CDNRatMan on February 14, 2016, 13:35:58 PMok let us offend everyone.....
Yeah, that pretty much covers it.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- February 14, 2016, 13:35:58 PM ok let us offend everyone.....
I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, "I've not eaten for two days."
I said to him, "I wish I had your willpower!"
Apparently, "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, "Sorry about the wait."
I said, "Don't worry my dear.. You might lose it eventually."
An Irish boy stood crying at the side of the road. A man asked him, "What's wrong?"
The boy said, "Me ma is dead."
"Oh bejaysus," the man said. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
The boy said, no tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a bus or train and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"
A man in a hot air balloon was lost over Ireland. He looked down and saw a farmer in the fields and shouted down to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looked back up and shouted back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."
I had this trivia competition in the bag until the very last question, which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.
A fat woman had a medical at the doctors, he told her, your are grossly overweight, she said, I want a second opinion, he said, O.K. you're bloody ugly as well.
Posted by Hoggy
- February 10, 2016, 11:59:56 AMPaddy is walking down the street with a bag of doughnuts in his hand. He spots Mickey coming the other way and says:
Mickey if you can guess how many doughnuts I have in the bag you can have both of them.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want
don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
Paddy gets a letter through the letterbox and it lands on the floor. In big bold letters on the front it says 'DO NOT BEND'. Paddy's still there wondering how he's going to pick it up.
What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture"
Posted by mittico68
- February 10, 2016, 09:16:06 AMA man says to a woman: "I work where everybody have fun..."
The lady says: "So, you're a deejay?"
And the man: "No, gynecologist...".
Posted by DC
- February 10, 2016, 08:38:17 AMQuote from: Hoggy on February 09, 2016, 21:24:12 PMOverheard from someone talking to a Scotsman. . . . . . . .LUCK Of the IRISH
Dear Mr. MURPHY,We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness
on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.We deeply regret the amputation.
Q: What's under the kilt?
A: On a good day. . . . . lipstick!
Posted by greenbarn
- February 09, 2016, 21:40:16 PMOld Irish saying: "There are only 3 kinds of men who don't understand women: Young men, Middle-aged men, and Old men".....
Posted by Hoggy
- February 09, 2016, 21:24:12 PMLUCK Of the IRISH
Dear Mr. MURPHY,We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness
on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- February 04, 2016, 23:30:50 PMah je comprends maintenant..............
ride safe.....
Posted by Hoggy
- February 04, 2016, 22:13:17 PMil est un Français parisien de cours.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- February 04, 2016, 11:39:28 AM Hoggy is the a Frenchman or a QC'er? 
Posted by DC
- February 04, 2016, 08:44:29 AM
Posted by Hoggy
- February 03, 2016, 21:29:20 PMThere are 4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of a loud slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."
The pretty young blonde thinks." I bet that Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, but got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Frenchman again."
Posted by DC
- February 03, 2016, 14:08:13 PMOne day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."
==================================================
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" he asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."
==================================================
One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?
==================================================
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
==================================================
A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.
He asked the old man, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
Old Man - That's the name of the owner.
Young Man - Who's the owner?
Old Man - I am.
Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian. The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say "Hans Olaffsen". Lady ask me, What is your name? I say Sam Ting.
==================================================
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
==================================================
"Ole and Lena were visited by a door to door salesman, Lowell Thompson. He tried to convince them if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer. Ole responded that they were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent. And they were saving on movie tickets with the price of cable TV." Finally, Ole said, "And we're saving on laundry with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to say, ve can't afford to save any more right now."
==================================================
A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian found themselves deserted on a small island. A Cannibal tribe lived on the island, and they imprisoned the three men. The cannibals gave each of them a final wish. First they asked the Norwegian. The Norwegian wanted to see his wife once more. The cannibals went to find the wife. After he saw his wife, the Norwegian was eaten, and the cannibals made a canoe out of his skin. The Finn wanted to smoke one more cigarette. He got his cigarette. After he was finished, he was eaten and his skin was used to make a canoe. Then came the Swede's turn - he wanted a fork. He started to punch holes into himself, and yelled: "YOU WON'T MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME!"
==================================================
There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he put more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
- "Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
- "What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"
Posted by DC
- February 03, 2016, 09:14:33 AMQuote from: CDNRatMan on February 01, 2016, 17:38:41 PMSince this yoke came from but a wee lad, we will cut him a break.admit it DC you did crack a smile on my tomato joke albeit a small one you still smiled......
Posted by CDNRatMan
- February 01, 2016, 17:38:41 PMadmit it DC you did crack a smile on my tomato joke albeit a small one you still smiled......