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Posted by DC
- February 10, 2016, 08:38:17 AMQuote from: Hoggy on February 09, 2016, 21:24:12 PMOverheard from someone talking to a Scotsman. . . . . . . .LUCK Of the IRISH
Dear Mr. MURPHY,We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness
on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.We deeply regret the amputation.
Q: What's under the kilt?
A: On a good day. . . . . lipstick!
Posted by greenbarn
- February 09, 2016, 21:40:16 PMOld Irish saying: "There are only 3 kinds of men who don't understand women: Young men, Middle-aged men, and Old men".....
Posted by Hoggy
- February 09, 2016, 21:24:12 PMLUCK Of the IRISH
Dear Mr. MURPHY,We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness
on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- February 04, 2016, 23:30:50 PMah je comprends maintenant..............
ride safe.....
Posted by Hoggy
- February 04, 2016, 22:13:17 PMil est un Français parisien de cours.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- February 04, 2016, 11:39:28 AM Hoggy is the a Frenchman or a QC'er? 
Posted by DC
- February 04, 2016, 08:44:29 AM
Posted by Hoggy
- February 03, 2016, 21:29:20 PMThere are 4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of a loud slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."
The pretty young blonde thinks." I bet that Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, but got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Frenchman again."
Posted by DC
- February 03, 2016, 14:08:13 PMOne day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."
==================================================
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" he asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."
==================================================
One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?
==================================================
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
==================================================
A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.
He asked the old man, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
Old Man - That's the name of the owner.
Young Man - Who's the owner?
Old Man - I am.
Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian. The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say "Hans Olaffsen". Lady ask me, What is your name? I say Sam Ting.
==================================================
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
==================================================
"Ole and Lena were visited by a door to door salesman, Lowell Thompson. He tried to convince them if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer. Ole responded that they were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent. And they were saving on movie tickets with the price of cable TV." Finally, Ole said, "And we're saving on laundry with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to say, ve can't afford to save any more right now."
==================================================
A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian found themselves deserted on a small island. A Cannibal tribe lived on the island, and they imprisoned the three men. The cannibals gave each of them a final wish. First they asked the Norwegian. The Norwegian wanted to see his wife once more. The cannibals went to find the wife. After he saw his wife, the Norwegian was eaten, and the cannibals made a canoe out of his skin. The Finn wanted to smoke one more cigarette. He got his cigarette. After he was finished, he was eaten and his skin was used to make a canoe. Then came the Swede's turn - he wanted a fork. He started to punch holes into himself, and yelled: "YOU WON'T MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME!"
==================================================
There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he put more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
- "Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
- "What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"
Posted by DC
- February 03, 2016, 09:14:33 AMQuote from: CDNRatMan on February 01, 2016, 17:38:41 PMSince this yoke came from but a wee lad, we will cut him a break.admit it DC you did crack a smile on my tomato joke albeit a small one you still smiled......
Posted by CDNRatMan
- February 01, 2016, 17:38:41 PMadmit it DC you did crack a smile on my tomato joke albeit a small one you still smiled......
Posted by DC
- February 01, 2016, 14:07:33 PMOle is taking Lena out on a date. He gets home, goes upstairs where Lena is standing in the middle of the bedroom naked. 'Lena, why are you standing in the middle of the room naked?' asks Ole. 'Ohh Ole, I have nothing to wear!' Ole walks over to Lena's closet and opens it. 'Lena! You have nothing to wear? Here's your white dress, here's your black dress, here's Sven, here's your orange dress..'
-----------------------------
Ole and Lena were laying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, 'Well, how the hell should I know, that's over 2000 miles away!' and he hung up. Lena says 'Who was that Ole?' Ole says 'The hell if I know, some weirdo wants to know if the coast is clear.'
-----------------------------
Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I'm Norvegian?"
"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
----------------------------
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
----------------------------
Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."
Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice."
They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"
The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."
---------------------------
Lars: "Ole, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking".
Ole: "Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No...."
----------------------------
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: "Vell, der gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!
------------------------------
Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July.
The directions on the can said "put on two coats".
------------------------------
Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.
Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!
Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!
---------------------------------
Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for something to eat , he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.
The genie says, "I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish.
Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof, Ole was gone.
Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole."
Poof, Lena was gone.
Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "What is your wish?".
Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me".
---------------------------------
Ole says to the doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."
Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"
Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."
---------------------------------
Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."
----------------
Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning.
Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
-----------------------------------------
Ole told Lena one morning that he was going to chop down 20 trees in the woods with his ax and he would be done by suppertime. He worked and worked all day long and could only chop down one tree. He was so tired that when he came in for supper he went right to sleep without eating.
The next morning Ole gets up bright and early and tells Lena: "I am goin' into town to pick me up vun of dose chain saws. Dat der ax yust don't vurk too good." So Ole heads off into town and stops at the hardware store to buy a chain saw.
He tells the hardware store owner what he wants and the owner says: "Ah, here's the chain saw you want and it is guaranteed to cut down 20 trees in a day."
Ole gets all excited and says: "dat's yust vhat I need! I'll buy it." So Ole takes his new chainsaw home and gets up bright and early again the next day. He works all day and can still only cut down one more tree. He is beat red while he tells Lena: "Dis here chain is a piece of yunk! I am going to get my money back!!"
He storms back into town the next day to return the chain saw. He tells the hardware store owner: "Dis here chain saw you sold is defective. You told me I could cut down tventy trees and I could only cut down vun!!!"
The store owner looks puzzled and says: "oh?, let's see if it works OK." The store owner proceeds to start up the chain saw and it runs perfectly normal. BRRUMMMM....Mmamamamama.....BRUMMMMM..mmamamamama
Ole jumps back in horror and yells: "Vat da Lutefisk is dat NOISE!!"
-----------------------------------------
Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that is is a Caesarian."
Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Norvegian."
Posted by DC
- February 01, 2016, 13:46:20 PMQuote from: CDNRatMan on January 30, 2016, 23:49:20 PMDC you might want to sit down for this one..........
The Tomato family, Papa, Mama and the four little Tomato's were out for a hike. The trail was long and up hill and Papa had to keep calling to the youngest Tomato, Heinz ketchup son, keep up.................
got that from my next door neighbour....he is seven now..........
Posted by Hoggy
- January 31, 2016, 19:58:16 PMAn old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- January 30, 2016, 23:49:20 PMDC you might want to sit down for this one..........
The Tomato family, Papa, Mama and the four little Tomato's were out for a hike. The trail was long and up hill and Papa had to keep calling to the youngest Tomato, Heinz ketchup son, keep up.................
got that from my next door neighbour....he is seven now..........