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Posted by DC
- February 01, 2016, 13:46:20 PMQuote from: CDNRatMan on January 30, 2016, 23:49:20 PMDC you might want to sit down for this one..........
The Tomato family, Papa, Mama and the four little Tomato's were out for a hike. The trail was long and up hill and Papa had to keep calling to the youngest Tomato, Heinz ketchup son, keep up.................
got that from my next door neighbour....he is seven now..........
Posted by Hoggy
- January 31, 2016, 19:58:16 PMAn old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- January 30, 2016, 23:49:20 PMDC you might want to sit down for this one..........
The Tomato family, Papa, Mama and the four little Tomato's were out for a hike. The trail was long and up hill and Papa had to keep calling to the youngest Tomato, Heinz ketchup son, keep up.................
got that from my next door neighbour....he is seven now..........Posted by DC
- January 30, 2016, 23:48:49 PMWhat does your father do for a living?
He is a magician. He cuts people in two.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister....
Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, "What shall we call this one?"
"Why don't we call it a rhinoceros"?
"But, why?"
"Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we've seen so far."
Did you know Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz could have gone back home ---- she did have a debit card with her? But there were no banks in Oz, that's why she kept crying out "ATM! ATM!"
A man walks into a clock repair shop and the repairman is German and says: So? Vat sims to be ze problem?
It's my grandfather clock. It doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.
Mmm-Hm! I sink I can fix zis. Let me look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock!
There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody's business.
They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
So the priest wanted to get away from his priesthood for an afternoon and he went to a nudist camp and a beautiful young woman walked up and said, "Hi Father." He said, "How did you know it was me?" She said, "I'm Sister Catherine, remember?"
Please, help me. I haven't eaten anything for days.
God, I wish I had your willpower.
Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.
The man and wife walked out of divorce court in Mississippi and the man said, "Stop crying. So we got a divorce-----You're still my cousin!"
Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody's got my pen and I'm not sure I want it back.
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, whisper in my ear."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No, arthritis.'
Why is divorce so expensive? -----Because it's worth it.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? ----- None. Men don't change lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them. ------Did you know that studies show that a woman is turned on by different things, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to strong men with rugged masculine features. And if she is just about to menstruate, she is more attracted to a man with a knife in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.
Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
When you drink beer, you argue over trivial things, don't make any sense, start to cry and you lose your ability to drive.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he's fishing because he never comes back with any fish...
Marriage and death are two different things. They are very different.
When you're dead, you don't wish that you were married.
How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it's dark?
How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don't know – lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!
An Agnostic and an Atheist were married and had a real problem.
They couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother said, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Posted by pcarrell
- January 19, 2016, 09:40:05 AM
Posted by 49Reo
- January 16, 2016, 12:45:12 PMA "lady of the evening" approached me on the street the other day, and said, "for $50.00 I'll do anything you want.... 
Guess who got his garage painted...... >:
Posted by DC
- January 14, 2016, 13:31:37 PM
Posted by pcarrell
- January 13, 2016, 16:20:25 PMA woman awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him.
She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looked up from his drink. "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She couldn't believe he had remembered and started to tear up.
The husband continued. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again the wife was touched to tears thinking that her husband was so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too," she replied softly.
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today"
Posted by DC
- January 10, 2016, 21:42:24 PMI hate it when that happens.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- January 09, 2016, 18:25:30 PMNeed help in understanding the female race.......
So spent $1500.00 on Botox for her because she begged me to do so and she was ecstatic, $5000.00 to enhance her breasts, she was delighted. I then at her bequest spent $2500.00 on her nose. She could not thank me enough. Then again at her suggestion I dropped another $2500.00 on liposuction so she would feel better about herself.
I then spend $35.00 on a blowjob for myself and she just went ape.........
Can not figure them females out.......
Posted by greenbarn
- January 09, 2016, 10:37:54 AMRecent studies have determined that Women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than men who mention it.....
Posted by Hoggy
- January 08, 2016, 19:54:33 PMYou know you're a redneck when you take the dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
Posted by Hoggy
- January 08, 2016, 08:36:03 AM[quote.after all, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
=====================================================
Ok, that made me chuckle.
Posted by Hoggy
- January 08, 2016, 08:33:08 AMQuote from: greenbarn on January 07, 2016, 21:55:10 PMI wouldn't know what to do with all that time off.OK, so here's something I've never understood:
If we celebrate LABOR DAY by NOT WORKING......
Then why don't we have a CELIBACY DAY??
Posted by greenbarn
- January 07, 2016, 21:55:10 PMOK, so here's something I've never understood:
If we celebrate LABOR DAY by NOT WORKING......
Then why don't we have a CELIBACY DAY??