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Posted by CDNRatMan
- January 30, 2016, 23:49:20 PMDC you might want to sit down for this one..........
The Tomato family, Papa, Mama and the four little Tomato's were out for a hike. The trail was long and up hill and Papa had to keep calling to the youngest Tomato, Heinz ketchup son, keep up.................
got that from my next door neighbour....he is seven now..........Posted by DC
- January 30, 2016, 23:48:49 PMWhat does your father do for a living?
He is a magician. He cuts people in two.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister....
Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, "What shall we call this one?"
"Why don't we call it a rhinoceros"?
"But, why?"
"Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we've seen so far."
Did you know Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz could have gone back home ---- she did have a debit card with her? But there were no banks in Oz, that's why she kept crying out "ATM! ATM!"
A man walks into a clock repair shop and the repairman is German and says: So? Vat sims to be ze problem?
It's my grandfather clock. It doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.
Mmm-Hm! I sink I can fix zis. Let me look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock!
There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody's business.
They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
So the priest wanted to get away from his priesthood for an afternoon and he went to a nudist camp and a beautiful young woman walked up and said, "Hi Father." He said, "How did you know it was me?" She said, "I'm Sister Catherine, remember?"
Please, help me. I haven't eaten anything for days.
God, I wish I had your willpower.
Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.
The man and wife walked out of divorce court in Mississippi and the man said, "Stop crying. So we got a divorce-----You're still my cousin!"
Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody's got my pen and I'm not sure I want it back.
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, whisper in my ear."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No, arthritis.'
Why is divorce so expensive? -----Because it's worth it.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? ----- None. Men don't change lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them. ------Did you know that studies show that a woman is turned on by different things, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to strong men with rugged masculine features. And if she is just about to menstruate, she is more attracted to a man with a knife in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.
Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
When you drink beer, you argue over trivial things, don't make any sense, start to cry and you lose your ability to drive.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he's fishing because he never comes back with any fish...
Marriage and death are two different things. They are very different.
When you're dead, you don't wish that you were married.
How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it's dark?
How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don't know – lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!
An Agnostic and an Atheist were married and had a real problem.
They couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother said, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Posted by pcarrell
- January 19, 2016, 09:40:05 AM
Posted by 49Reo
- January 16, 2016, 12:45:12 PMA "lady of the evening" approached me on the street the other day, and said, "for $50.00 I'll do anything you want.... 
Guess who got his garage painted...... >:
Posted by DC
- January 14, 2016, 13:31:37 PM
Posted by pcarrell
- January 13, 2016, 16:20:25 PMA woman awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him.
She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looked up from his drink. "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She couldn't believe he had remembered and started to tear up.
The husband continued. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again the wife was touched to tears thinking that her husband was so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too," she replied softly.
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today"
Posted by DC
- January 10, 2016, 21:42:24 PMI hate it when that happens.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- January 09, 2016, 18:25:30 PMNeed help in understanding the female race.......
So spent $1500.00 on Botox for her because she begged me to do so and she was ecstatic, $5000.00 to enhance her breasts, she was delighted. I then at her bequest spent $2500.00 on her nose. She could not thank me enough. Then again at her suggestion I dropped another $2500.00 on liposuction so she would feel better about herself.
I then spend $35.00 on a blowjob for myself and she just went ape.........
Can not figure them females out.......
Posted by greenbarn
- January 09, 2016, 10:37:54 AMRecent studies have determined that Women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than men who mention it.....
Posted by Hoggy
- January 08, 2016, 19:54:33 PMYou know you're a redneck when you take the dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
Posted by Hoggy
- January 08, 2016, 08:36:03 AM[quote.after all, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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Ok, that made me chuckle.
Posted by Hoggy
- January 08, 2016, 08:33:08 AMQuote from: greenbarn on January 07, 2016, 21:55:10 PMI wouldn't know what to do with all that time off.OK, so here's something I've never understood:
If we celebrate LABOR DAY by NOT WORKING......
Then why don't we have a CELIBACY DAY??
Posted by greenbarn
- January 07, 2016, 21:55:10 PMOK, so here's something I've never understood:
If we celebrate LABOR DAY by NOT WORKING......
Then why don't we have a CELIBACY DAY??
Posted by DC
- January 07, 2016, 21:17:47 PMOle and his wife Lena are strolling along a country road in northern Minnesota. They notice a human head lying along the side of the road. Lena picks it up, holds it up in the air and says, "Hey, that looks like Sven?" Ole replies, "Can't be, he wasn't that tall."
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•Aanenson, the wealthy milk tycoon was telling Ole about his new girl friend. "She's 30 and I'm 65. Do you tink I vould have a better chance of getting her to marry me if I tell her I'm 50?" "No," said Ole, "I tink you vould have a better chance if you told her you vas 80."
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Doctor: The best thing you can do Ole is quit drinking,
Ole: Vat's next best?
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Ole and Lena were out motoring one day in Ole's new car. A policeman stopped him and said he was doing 50 miles per hour in a 30 mile zone. "I vas only going 30, officer," protested Ole. "No, you were going 50," said the Cop. "Really, officer, I vas just doing 30," said Ole. "And I say you were going 50," repeated the cop. Lena, sitting in the back seat, trying to be helpful, spoke up, "Officer....you shouldn't try to argue vid Ole ven he's been drinking!"
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Ole remarked, as he sat reading a magazine: "Lena, do you know every time I breathe, somebody dies?" LENA: Vhy don't you try gargling vid Listerine.
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•Ole and Lena won a contest and the prize was a trip around the world. When they arrived in Russia, they were assigned a special guide named Ruldolph. As Rudolph was showing them around Red Square, it commenced to rain a bit...and then some sleet came down. "Yee viss," exclaimed Ole, "here comes da snow." "Oh no," said Rudolph the Russian, "It is RAIN!" "And I say it is SNOW," retorted Ole. Lena, trying to be the diplomat said, "Now, now, Ole, calm downn...after all, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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•Lena was selected to appear on one of those Hollywood TV shows where the MC asks rather intimate questions. This is what he asked Lena: "Which of these Shakespeare plays would you say would be most like your wedding night? "Midsummer Night's Dream," "As you like it," or "Love's Labor Lost?" "None of dem," responded Lena. "I'd say it vas more like "Much ado abut Nutting."
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One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and having just returned from church with Lena he was feeling a little religious. "God," said Ole, "vhen you made Lena, vhy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?" Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole." "Vell then vhy, oh vhy," asked Ole, "vhy Lord did you make her so stupid?" "Because," said the voice, "so she would love you."
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•Ole and Lena are married, of course ya know. Vell von day Lena comes home in da afternoon from shoppin' and she finds Ole is aready home now, sittin'on da couch. "Vat da heck ya doin' already home?" Lena says. "I lost my yob...I vas fired!" Ole says. "Vat da heck did dey fire ya for?" asked Lena. "I got caught vit my peter in da pickle slicer." Ole says, sheepishly. "Oh, my! Let me see it" Lena exclaimed as she grabs Ole's pants and pulls them down to his ankles. "Vy, you look yust fine! Vat happened to the pickle slicer?" asked Lena. "Yah, vell" says Ole, "she got fired too."
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Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Sven inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I talked her into change to play the clarinet." "How come?" asked Sven. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith the clarinet, she can't sing along vit it."
Posted by CDNRatMan
- January 07, 2016, 16:10:33 PMWell I learned what celibacy is all about today.
A friend had to attend some classes for married couples as part of a work relation thing, and spouses were really strongly suggested that they attend.
Well my buddy did really will till they got to the Q and A section. The guest lecturer was asking a series of questions and the class was responding. The first question was ...........
"What is your wife's favorite flower?"
his answer.........
" it is Robin, correct, Robin Hood flour?"
seems he has been celibate since that day........