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Posted by greenbarn
- December 18, 2015, 17:02:45 PMThat's funny.....So... what did she say??
Posted by Hoggy
- December 17, 2015, 17:13:40 PMBob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.
The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away!
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.
She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management.
She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.
She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.
So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap.
And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"
Posted by DC
- December 05, 2015, 13:29:19 PMTwo Minnesota engineers are standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. Lena walks by and asks what they're doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, "says Ole, "but ve don't haff a ladder."
Lena takes a wrench out of her purse, loosens a couple bolts and lays the pole down on the ground. She then takes a tape measure from her pocketbook, measures the pole and announces, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walks away.
Ole shakes his head and laughs. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.
Posted by DC
- December 05, 2015, 13:24:10 PM 
Posted by 49Reo
- December 04, 2015, 10:12:48 AMFor several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a we cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Posted by DC
- December 03, 2015, 11:26:35 AMQuote from: greenbarn on December 02, 2015, 19:39:22 PMThat's how I got hooked on Farm Show. One of my wives gave me a subscription for Xmas, many years ago.I used to get my father-in-law's Farm Show's second hand. ALways enjoyed them.... That reminds me, I haven't seen one in a long time, maybe a good idea for a Christmas gift subscription for him.
Posted by greenbarn
- December 02, 2015, 19:39:22 PMI used to get my father-in-law's Farm Show's second hand. ALways enjoyed them.... That reminds me, I haven't seen one in a long time, maybe a good idea for a Christmas gift subscription for him.
Posted by DC
- December 02, 2015, 11:19:17 AMI also get a publication called Farm Show magazine, based out of Minnesota, that always has some jokes. http://farmshow.com/ They also have lots of great articles on how people improvise and invent things with what they have laying around.
I like the article about using a zero turn mower for snowplowing. http://farmshow.com/view_articles.php?a_id=1605
Posted by Hoggy
- November 28, 2015, 20:53:25 PMAn old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer.
Posted by Troll
- November 23, 2015, 15:57:03 PMNot sure I want to, since this is a "family" site...I'll think about it.
Posted by DC
- November 23, 2015, 13:39:04 PMQuote from: Troll on November 21, 2015, 17:59:36 PMI used to visit Minnesota regularly to stay with one of my wives' relatives.One would almost swear you're from either Minnesota or Wisconsin.....ya know the one about the corn cob? How about Gary, Indiana? Then there is the circle...
Tell us about the corn cob, etc.
Posted by Troll
- November 21, 2015, 17:59:36 PMOne would almost swear you're from either Minnesota or Wisconsin.....ya know the one about the corn cob? How about Gary, Indiana? Then there is the circle...
Posted by DC
- November 21, 2015, 17:10:26 PMOle was telling Sven, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state-of-da-art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered Sven, "what kind is it?"
Ole replied, "Twelve turdy."
====================================================
Ole gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just von da lottery? Pack your bags!"
Lena says, "Great! Vhat should I pack for? Da ocean or da mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by da end of da week!"
====================================================
Ole and Lena was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared. "Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.
Two days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said: "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street.
A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared: "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out. "Park it where?" Ole asked in the dark, "What should I do?" "Aw, to heck with them, Ole," Lena said, "Don't worry about it today. Just leave the car in the garage."
====================================================
Ole was getting ready to go to work one day when Lena stopped him and complained, "Ole, the vashing machine is broke down don't ya know, I vant ya to fix it!".
Ole walked out the door yelling, "Lena, vat do I look like, da Maytag repairman?"
That evening when Ole got home Lena was standing in the yard and said to Ole, "Ole, da car it von't start! Please Ole, fix da car".
Ole kept walking into the house yelling, "Lena, Lena, vat do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
The next day when Ole came home from work Lena said, "Look Ole, da car, it is fixed and the vashing machine, it is vorking too! Lars down da road come by and I asked him if he would fix it for me".
"And vat did he charge ya for doin' it?", Ole asked. Lena replied, "Vell Ole, he said he would do it for some romance (Vell ya know) or if I baked him a cake."
"Vell, vut kind of a cake did you make him?", asked Ole
Lena replied, "Vat do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
====================================================
Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.
"Ole, vere did ya get dat car?" Sven asked.
"Lena gave it to me".
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?".
"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, "Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car"
"Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."
====================================================
Sven came home to his apartment one night, all Upset. "Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he's (Vell ya know) been with every voman in dis building except one."
"Hmmph," said his wife Lena. "Must be dat snooty Mrs.Johnson on da tird floor."
====================================================
Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come da girls aren't friendly to me?"
"Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a big potato in your swim trunks, dat would help."
So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried vat you told me with da potato, but it doesn't help."
"Um, Sven, you're supposed to put da potato in da FRONT!"
Posted by CDNRatMan
- November 20, 2015, 20:33:29 PMNothing better then a bottle of Screech and a plate of deep fried Cod Tongues, while watching a hockey game.....
Posted by Hoggy
- November 20, 2015, 19:39:58 PMQuote from: CDNRatMan on November 19, 2015, 20:17:20 PMI guess I better set up the Newfie Screech and Cod cheeks.Hoggy just sent that to all my Newfie friends with your home address.....lol.......
