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Posted by DC
- November 13, 2015, 10:52:50 AMSven and Ole heard of an organization that would pay $5000 for every live wolf. They hunted for days, up and down mountains. One night, they fell asleep around their campfire. In the middle of the night, Ollie woke up and saw they were surrounded by 50 hungry, ferocious wolves. He said to Sven, "Wake us Sven, We're rich!"
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Olaf decided to try raising something different for a change and chose chickens. He went into town to the Feed store and bought 300 baby chicks. Three days later he went back to the counter of the feed store and asked for another 300 chicks. "What happened to the first set?" inquired the store owner. "They died" was Olaf's terse reply. Well, small epidemics do have a way of happening. So the man sold Olaf another 300 chicks. Four days later Olaf was back needing to buy still another 300 chicks. When told that the second 300 had died as well, the store owner replied that Olaf just wasn't having much luck with chickens then asked if he knew what was going wrong. "I think I'm either planting them too far apart or too deep" replied Olaf.
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Having shot a moose, Ole and Sven began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up. On the way they were stopped by a game warden.
"Let me see your hunting licenses guys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice. "Sure, you betcha!" the hunters agreed.
"Well guys, I think that you would be finding it a lot easier to be draggin tha moose by the horns and not the tail." "Ya, ok and tanks," they said.
After about five minutes Ole said to Sven, "Boy, draggin it by da horns is sure a lot easier!"
"Ya, you're right," says Sven, "but have you noticed dat vee are getting furder avay from da truck?"
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Ole Goes to New York City
His name was Ole. He was from Minnesota. And he needed a loan. So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Oslo for the All-Scandinavian Summer Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Ole produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. The loan papers were signed and an employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at Ole from Minnesota for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Minnesota, a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
Ole replied, "Vare else in New York City can I park my car for two veeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be dare vhen I return?"
Posted by DC
- November 10, 2015, 23:29:47 PM 
Posted by CDNRatMan
- November 09, 2015, 23:06:09 PMWARNING
Ok so I am now on the list at the school and I have my next door neighbours upset with me, and it is all DC's fault.......so please unfriend him from your lists, he will get you in trouble........
I told my neighbours 7 year old grandson this one......
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
then I told him this one, but my way........
what does the chicken give you?
eggs!
Now what does the pig give you?
Bacon!
Old cow give you?
Homework!
so I am guessing someone at his school did not find it as funny as we did .......now I am on the school list...............
Posted by DC
- November 07, 2015, 01:36:26 AMTeacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
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Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
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Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
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At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sven and Ole are up fixing the roof. Sven picks up a nail, looks at it, and throws it away.
He picks up the next one, looks at it, and hammers it into the roof
The next one, he hammers it into the roof; the next one, he throws it away.
Ole says, "Sven, why do you throw away half the nails?"
Sven says, "Ole, don't you see, they have the point on the wrong end!"
Ole says, "Sven, don't be such a dummy! Those are for the OTHER side of the roof!"
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Sven and Ole go fishing. It's such a great day, they rent a boat so they can fish from the middle of the lake. They row out, drop their lines, and before you know it, they're catching fish, one after another after another. They can't believe what a great fishing spot they found.
Sven says, "This is the best fishing spot in the county. It's just too bad we didn't bring some paint."
Ole asks, "Paint? Why should you want paint, to go fishing?"
"Well Ole, don't you see, so we can paint an "X" in the bottom of the boat, so we can find this spot next time."
Ole laughs at him. "Sven, don't be such a dummy! Next time, what if they give us a different boat?"
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The doctor tells Ole he only has a few days left to live. Ole thinks a little, looks hard at Lena, and says, "Lena, promise me. Swear to me that when I'm gone, you'll marry Sven Svenson."
"SVEN SVENSON???" she shrieks. "You've hated him all your life!"
Ole answers, "Yep, I still do."
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A few days pass. Now Ole only has a few hours left to live. Lying in bed, he smells something. Cake. Chocolate cake, his favorite! He crawls out of bed and drags himself to the kitchen.
When Lena walks in, there is Ole, sitting at the kitchen table, eating cake. She hollers at him, "Ole! What are you doing in here? You're sick! You should be in bed! You shouldn't be out here eating cake! That's for the funeral!"
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Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice.
The clerk asks her, "What do you want it to say?"
"Ole died."
The clerk looks up. "What else?"
"Nothing else."
"But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don't you want to say anything else about him?"
"Nope."
The clerk thinks a minute. "You know, Lena, it won't cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price."
"Ten words, and it won't cost extra?" she asks.
The clerk nods.
Lena thinks hard, then says, "Ole died. Boat for sale."
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Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."
"Vy's dat?" Ole asked.
"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."
Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"
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Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the Lena tells Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time. Well, Ole is ecstatic, but he has never (vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to know about protection and (vell ya know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, Ole shows up at the Lena's parent's house and meets her at the door. "Ole I'm so excited for you ta meet my parents, come on in." Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena's parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and whispers to her Ole, "I had no idea you vere so religious."
Ole turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father vas a pharmacist."
Posted by Hoggy
- November 06, 2015, 21:26:00 PMTwo nuns who belong to a sect that prohibits them from ever speaking to one another are walking through the jungle one day. Suddenly a silver back gorilla jumps out of a tree, throws one of the nuns to the ground, tears off her clothes and rapes her.
The other nun helps her up and back to their compound, all the time thinking "Oh my God. I wonder what that was like for her." But because they are prohibited from talking, she can't ask.
Thirty years go by and the nun who was attacked is dying. The other nun knows she shouldn't talk to her but has been so curious all these years that she breaks her vow and asks the other nun; "You remember the time the gorilla raped you. What was that like? Did it hurt?
The other nun replies:
"HURT!" He never wrote, he never called."
Posted by greenbarn
- November 06, 2015, 21:24:11 PMA guy goes into the lawyer's office, and asks him how much his fee is.
"I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says.
"That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the guy asks.
"Yes, it is" the lawyer admits, "Now what's your last question?"
Posted by CDNRatMan
- November 06, 2015, 20:50:46 PM 
the novice nun comes running into the Mother Superior's office, and tells her, "i was walking back from the market and was attacked in the woods by a large man and he had his way with me" .......the Mother Superior tells quickly run to the kitchen and get a large lemon and suck on it till I get there.
The novice starts to head off and stops turns and asks will that stop me from getting pregnant?
The Mother Superior shakes her head and say's................
No but it will wipe that smile off your face......................................
Posted by greenbarn
- November 06, 2015, 20:38:38 PMSister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"\
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she exclaims: "What the *#@%D!* did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Oh, Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
Posted by greenbarn
- November 06, 2015, 20:20:06 PMReminds me of the priest who asked the nun if he can walk her back to the convent.
She says, "Just this once."
Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."
Posted by DC
- November 06, 2015, 20:04:02 PMA police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
The nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h". The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf. "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?" "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."
Posted by DC
- November 06, 2015, 18:22:51 PMHA! Good one!
Posted by Hoggy
- November 04, 2015, 20:11:33 PMA drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck ass naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it and begged for more!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk
Posted by DC
- November 03, 2015, 15:13:51 PMGood one, Hoggy!
Posted by Hoggy
- November 01, 2015, 08:53:26 AMIrish Neighbours!
A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer. " A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Posted by Hoggy
- November 01, 2015, 08:45:58 AMPaddy Murphy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "I've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"
Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef"