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Posted by pcarrell
- March 28, 2015, 16:36:17 PMHow about this one?
Posted by greenbarn
- March 25, 2015, 07:15:57 AMI bought a book on Ebay, for $20, called "Avoiding Scams on Ebay"....
Can't figure the delay - Hasn't arrived yet, after 2 months, and no response to emails....
Posted by John Hopkins
- March 22, 2015, 09:17:01 AMI went to an 'Inter-Religion Integration Seminar'
The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said: By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said: by the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said: Insha Allah, you will walk today!
I snapped at him: There is nothing wrong with me.
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said: By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my motorcycle had been stolen.
Posted by John Hopkins
- March 21, 2015, 18:15:01 PMA father walks into a restaurant with his young son.He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the coffee bar. Gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants. Takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist.
Gently at first and then ever so firmly. Tighter and tighter!!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
Posted by 49Reo
- March 21, 2015, 13:25:43 PMPresident Obama was out jogging when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before his body guards could get to him, three kids pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyworld."
Obama said, "Not a problem, I'll take you there with the Presidential helicopter, everyone uses that".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
"I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"
The third kid, which happened to be an Okie, said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!!"
Obama is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"
Posted by John Hopkins
- March 21, 2015, 10:28:23 AMI've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
So my question is this, is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Posted by CDNRatMan
- March 19, 2015, 18:37:13 PMBoudreaux, the smoothest talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got
called up to active duty. His first assignment was in a military induction
center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of
advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance
to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up
rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was
remarkable because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the
higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no
charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing
and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you
has da normal GI insurance and you goes to Afghanistan and gets youself
killed, da governmen' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da
supplemental insurans, which cost you only tirty dollars a munt, den da
governmen gots to pay you benefishery $400,000!"
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which folks do you tink dey gonna send to
Afghanistan first?"
Posted by John Hopkins
- March 12, 2015, 18:35:40 PMHusband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
Posted by John Hopkins
- March 10, 2015, 14:45:36 PMAt my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Posted by pcarrell
- March 05, 2015, 22:52:48 PMQuote from: John Hopkins on March 05, 2015, 20:16:03 PMI hate it when people say "what do you see yourself doing in five years time.."
Do they think I have 2020 vision.
John.
Posted by John Hopkins
- March 05, 2015, 20:16:03 PMI hate it when people say "what do you see yourself doing in five years time.."
Do they think I have 2020 vision.
John.
Posted by John Hopkins
- March 05, 2015, 13:08:19 PMCalvins dad.
Q. Why does the sun set?
A. It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets.
Q. Why does it go from east to west?
A. Solar wind.
Q. Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
A. That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
Q. Where does the sun go when it sets?
A. The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That's why the rocks there are so red.
Q. Don't the people get burned up?
A. No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night.
Q. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state as it lands?
A. Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.
Q. I thought I read that the sun was really big.
A. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.
Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just that the world was black and white then. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Q. But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
A. Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Q. But... But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
A. Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s.
Q. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
A. Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?
Q. Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed.
A. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain more time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you're going west.
Q. Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
A. If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything.
Q. How do bank machines work?
A. Well, let's say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot.
Q. Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door?
A. Exactly.
Q. What causes the wind?
A. Trees sneezing.
Q. Why does ice float?
A. Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer to the sun.
Q. Is that true?
A. Look it up and find out.
Q. I should just look up stuff in the first place.
Q. How come you know so much?
A. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- March 01, 2015, 09:43:33 AMThese are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken
off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime
Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 26, 2015, 21:58:41 PMFIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit !
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!
__________________
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 23, 2015, 13:38:11 PMA Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."