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Posted by pcarrell
- March 05, 2015, 22:52:48 PMQuote from: John Hopkins on March 05, 2015, 20:16:03 PMI hate it when people say "what do you see yourself doing in five years time.."
Do they think I have 2020 vision.
John.
Posted by John Hopkins
- March 05, 2015, 20:16:03 PMI hate it when people say "what do you see yourself doing in five years time.."
Do they think I have 2020 vision.
John.
Posted by John Hopkins
- March 05, 2015, 13:08:19 PMCalvins dad.
Q. Why does the sun set?
A. It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets.
Q. Why does it go from east to west?
A. Solar wind.
Q. Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
A. That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
Q. Where does the sun go when it sets?
A. The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That's why the rocks there are so red.
Q. Don't the people get burned up?
A. No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night.
Q. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state as it lands?
A. Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.
Q. I thought I read that the sun was really big.
A. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.
Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just that the world was black and white then. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Q. But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
A. Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Q. But... But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
A. Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s.
Q. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
A. Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?
Q. Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed.
A. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain more time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you're going west.
Q. Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
A. If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything.
Q. How do bank machines work?
A. Well, let's say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot.
Q. Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door?
A. Exactly.
Q. What causes the wind?
A. Trees sneezing.
Q. Why does ice float?
A. Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer to the sun.
Q. Is that true?
A. Look it up and find out.
Q. I should just look up stuff in the first place.
Q. How come you know so much?
A. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.
Posted by CDNRatMan
- March 01, 2015, 09:43:33 AMThese are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken
off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime
Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 26, 2015, 21:58:41 PMFIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit !
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!
__________________
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 23, 2015, 13:38:11 PMA Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."
Posted by greenbarn
- February 21, 2015, 08:20:27 AMQuote from: John Hopkins on February 19, 2015, 23:25:01 PMBrains of older people are slow because they know so much .
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe . Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline .
.....
Well, I feel better now...
Posted by CDNRatMan
- February 20, 2015, 18:38:49 PM A middle aged couple had two beautiful daughters but had always wanted a son and were talking about a son.
They decided at their age they would give it one more try, and see what happened. Wife got pregnant and wham she delivered a healthy bouncy baby boy.
The father so full of pride and happiness rushed to the hospital, skipped the wife and right to the nursery to see his new son.
He was terrible horrified because what he saw was the most ugly child he had ever beheld.
He went broken to his wife's bedside, he lamented that he could never be the father of such an ugly offspring, just no way look at my 2 beautiful daughters I have brought into this world......then the light went off......
He looked into his wife's eyes a long and searching look.....With a tremble in his voice he asked her if she had been fooling around behind his back.........
Posted by CDNRatMan
- February 20, 2015, 18:30:01 PMI got caught today peeing in the local pool at the Y........The lifeguard shouted so loud I near fell in........
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 20, 2015, 07:44:05 AMThe Policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the Policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 19, 2015, 23:25:01 PMJust to comfort the old folks
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much .
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe . Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline .
The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more .
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise .
SO THERE!!
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names
Posted by John Hopkins
- February 15, 2015, 11:43:24 AMFor ratman.
On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." he said
"I Can't."
"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded..
Posted by CDNRatMan
- February 15, 2015, 11:05:05 AM 
Marry a fat tattooed Girl.......
Summer time you have shade
Winter time you have warmth
All year round you have moving pictures........Posted by John Hopkins
- February 15, 2015, 10:50:46 AM"I'm sorry but I've had a better offer." I said to a stunning blonde in the bar.
"I ask you to buy me cocktails, take me home in a taxi and make love to me? What could be better than that?" she asked.
"See that fat girl over there?" I said. "She just wants a packet of crisps and lives round the corner."
Posted by greenbarn
- February 13, 2015, 17:10:55 PMDear Doctor Ruth: