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Reason for editing: Last Edit: August 21, 2013, 10:30:42 AM by John Hopkins

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, I woke up to find myself next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realised I had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £475 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

An Scotsman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

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Posted by John Hopkins

- June 29, 2013, 10:34:26 AM

Quote from: nhtrikes on June 29, 2013, 05:47:47 AM
Just had a chance to watch him. Had me laughing out loud, literally. I think humor is pretty universal along with laughter! This guy is good! He would have no trouble makin' here in the States, especially with the accent, makes the story tellin' even better!!!!

If you are talking about Ken Dodd there is no chance of him doing a gig in the States..He's 86 years old now..The joke about the income tax was because he had just been charged a fortune for back taxes although the inland revenue couldn't get a jury to find him guilty of Tax fraud.

And of course he comes from the same town as the beatles..

John.

Posted by chief

- June 29, 2013, 10:23:43 AM

I'm not a good example... having lived in England and Scotland... I tend to enjoy most Brit humor... toilet humor aside.

Posted by nhtrikes

- June 29, 2013, 05:47:47 AM

Just had a chance to watch him. Had me laughing out loud, literally. I think humor is pretty universal along with laughter! This guy is good! He would have no trouble makin' here in the States, especially with the accent, makes the story tellin' even better!!!!

Posted by John Hopkins

- June 29, 2013, 05:15:28 AM

I'm not at all prudish and if I have to I can swear with the best of them..but I would enjoy him more if he cut back on the swearing

Now if you can find a video of Ken Dodd..he has the world record for the longest session of joke telling..I think it is over 24 hours.. and not one swear word..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1WDC6qngP4

If you liked him click on the Ken Dodd medley at the end..

John.

Posted by aralph

- June 28, 2013, 22:39:43 PM

I'm with Rat on this one, this guy is entertaining.

aralph

Posted by CDNRatMan

- June 28, 2013, 20:37:04 PM

don't know about the yanks but I enjoyed it.....

Posted by John Hopkins

- June 28, 2013, 19:40:58 PM

Let's see if British humour is funny in the USA..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zuaWWEiBpI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnr3gsRNwS0

John.

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