Joke

Started by John Hopkins, November 25, 2014, 05:47:37 AM

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mittico68

"Doc" says the man to his doctor, "I've got a strong diarrhea... Can I take a shower?"
And the doctor: "If your sh*t is enough..."

I love my swingin' bike!

Hoggy


DC

Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there. I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously.

On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, "What are you laughing about?".

Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!".

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?

"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.

"Vell, said Ole, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."

Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice."

They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lars: "Ole, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking".

Ole: "Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No...."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July.

The directions on the can said "put on two coats".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!

Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole says to the doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."

Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"

Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."


Hoggy


Hoggy

Quote from: CDNRatMan on February 14, 2016, 13:35:58 PM

:o   ok let us offend everyone..... :o

Yeah, that pretty much covers it.   ;D


CDNRatMan

 :o   ok let us offend everyone..... :o

I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, "I've not eaten for two days."
I said to him, "I wish I had your willpower!"

I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, "Sorry about the wait."
I said, "Don't worry my dear.. You might lose it eventually."

An Irish boy stood crying at the side of the road. A man asked him, "What's wrong?"
The boy said, "Me ma is dead."
"Oh bejaysus," the man said. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
The boy said, no tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away, but since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found a bacon sandwich works much better !
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a bus or train and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"
A man in a hot air balloon was lost over Ireland. He looked down and saw a farmer in the fields and shouted down to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looked back up and shouted back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."
I had this trivia competition in the bag until the very last question, which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.
A fat woman had a medical at the doctors, he told her, your are grossly overweight, she said, I want a second opinion, he said, O.K. you're bloody ugly as well.
GPS is not to get you THERE but rather to get you home from THERE

Hoggy

Paddy is walking down the street with a bag of doughnuts in his hand.  He spots Mickey coming the other way and says:
Mickey if you can guess how many doughnuts I have in the bag you can have both of them.

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want
don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

Paddy gets a letter through the letterbox and it lands on the floor. In big bold letters on the front it says 'DO NOT BEND'. Paddy's still there wondering how he's going to pick it up.

What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture"


mittico68

A man says to a woman: "I work where everybody have fun..."
The lady says: "So, you're a deejay?"
And the man: "No, gynecologist...".

I love my swingin' bike!

DC

Quote from: Hoggy on February 09, 2016, 21:24:12 PM

LUCK Of the IRISH

Dear Mr. MURPHY,

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness
on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.

Overheard from someone talking to a Scotsman. . . . . . . .

Q:  What's under the kilt?

A:  On a good day. . . . . lipstick!


greenbarn

Old Irish saying:   "There are only 3 kinds of men who don't understand women:  Young men, Middle-aged men, and Old men".....

No Worries

Hoggy

LUCK Of the IRISH

Dear Mr. MURPHY,

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness
on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.


CDNRatMan

ah je comprends maintenant..............

ride safe.....

GPS is not to get you THERE but rather to get you home from THERE

Hoggy

il est un Français parisien de cours.


CDNRatMan

  Hoggy is the a Frenchman or a QC'er? ;D

GPS is not to get you THERE but rather to get you home from THERE

DC


Hoggy

There are 4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of a loud slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks." I bet that Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, but got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Frenchman  again."


DC

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

==================================================

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" he asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."

==================================================

One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?

==================================================

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

==================================================

A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.
He asked the old man, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
Old Man - That's the name of the owner.
Young Man - Who's the owner?
Old Man - I am.
Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian. The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say "Hans Olaffsen". Lady ask me, What is your name? I say Sam Ting.

==================================================

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

==================================================

"Ole and Lena were visited by a door to door salesman, Lowell Thompson. He tried to convince them if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer. Ole responded that they were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent. And they were saving on movie tickets with the price of cable TV." Finally, Ole said, "And we're saving on laundry with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to say, ve can't afford to save any more right now."

==================================================

A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian found themselves deserted on a small island. A Cannibal tribe lived on the island, and they imprisoned the three men. The cannibals gave each of them a final wish. First they asked the Norwegian. The Norwegian wanted to see his wife once more. The cannibals went to find the wife. After he saw his wife, the Norwegian was eaten, and the cannibals made a canoe out of his skin. The Finn wanted to smoke one more cigarette. He got his cigarette. After he was finished, he was eaten and his skin was used to make a canoe. Then came the Swede's turn - he wanted a fork. He started to punch holes into himself, and yelled: "YOU WON'T MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME!"

==================================================

There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put  his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he  put  more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
- "Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
- "What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"


DC

Quote from: CDNRatMan on February 01, 2016, 17:38:41 PM

admit it DC you did crack a smile on my tomato joke albeit a small one you still smiled......

Since this yoke came from but a wee lad, we will cut him a break.   ;)

CDNRatMan

 admit it DC you did crack a smile on my tomato joke albeit a small one you still smiled......

GPS is not to get you THERE but rather to get you home from THERE

DC

Ole is taking Lena out on a date. He gets home, goes upstairs where Lena is standing in the middle of the bedroom naked. 'Lena, why are you standing in the middle of the room naked?' asks Ole. 'Ohh Ole, I have nothing to wear!' Ole walks over to Lena's closet and opens it. 'Lena! You have nothing to wear? Here's your white dress, here's your black dress, here's Sven, here's your orange dress..'

-----------------------------

Ole and Lena were laying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, 'Well, how the hell should I know, that's over 2000 miles away!' and he hung up. Lena says 'Who was that Ole?' Ole says 'The hell if I know, some weirdo wants to know if the coast is clear.'

-----------------------------

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I'm Norvegian?"

"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

----------------------------

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"

"No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

----------------------------

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."

Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice."

They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

---------------------------

Lars: "Ole, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking".

Ole: "Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No...."

----------------------------

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: "Vell, der gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!

------------------------------

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July.

The directions on the can said "put on two coats".

------------------------------

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!

Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

---------------------------------

Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for something to eat , he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.

The genie says, "I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish.

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof, Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole."

Poof, Lena was gone.

Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "What is your wish?".

Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me".

---------------------------------

Ole says to the doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."

Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"

Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."

---------------------------------

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."

----------------

Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning.

Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

-----------------------------------------

Ole told Lena one morning that he was going to chop down 20 trees in the woods with his ax and he would be done by suppertime. He worked and worked all day long and could only chop down one tree. He was so tired that when he came in for supper he went right to sleep without eating.

The next morning Ole gets up bright and early and tells Lena: "I am goin' into town to pick me up vun of dose chain saws. Dat der ax yust don't vurk too good." So Ole heads off into town and stops at the hardware store to buy a chain saw.

He tells the hardware store owner what he wants and the owner says: "Ah, here's the chain saw you want and it is guaranteed to cut down 20 trees in a day."

Ole gets all excited and says: "dat's yust vhat I need! I'll buy it." So Ole takes his new chainsaw home and gets up bright and early again the next day. He works all day and can still only cut down one more tree. He is beat red while he tells Lena: "Dis here chain is a piece of yunk! I am going to get my money back!!"

He storms back into town the next day to return the chain saw. He tells the hardware store owner: "Dis here chain saw you sold is defective. You told me I could cut down tventy trees and I could only cut down vun!!!"

The store owner looks puzzled and says: "oh?, let's see if it works OK." The store owner proceeds to start up the chain saw and it runs perfectly normal. BRRUMMMM....Mmamamamama.....BRUMMMMM..mmamamamama

Ole jumps back in horror and yells: "Vat da Lutefisk is dat NOISE!!"

-----------------------------------------

Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that is is a Caesarian."

Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Norvegian."


DC

Quote from: CDNRatMan on January 30, 2016, 23:49:20 PM

DC you might want to sit down for this one..........

The Tomato family, Papa, Mama and the four little Tomato's were out for a hike. The trail was long and up hill and Papa had to keep calling to the youngest Tomato, Heinz ketchup son, keep up.................

got that from my next door neighbour....he is seven now..........

Hoggy

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.


CDNRatMan

   DC you might want to sit down for this one..........

The Tomato family, Papa, Mama and the four little Tomato's were out for a hike. The trail was long and up hill and Papa had to keep calling to the youngest Tomato, Heinz ketchup son, keep up.................

got that from my next door neighbour....he is seven now..........
GPS is not to get you THERE but rather to get you home from THERE

DC

What does your father do for a living?
He is a magician. He cuts people in two.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister....

Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, "What shall we call this one?"
"Why don't we call it a rhinoceros"?
"But, why?"
"Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we've seen so far."

Did you know Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz could have gone back home ---- she did have a debit card with her? But there were no banks in Oz, that's why she kept crying out "ATM! ATM!"

A man walks into a clock repair shop and the repairman is German and says: So? Vat sims to be ze problem?
It's my grandfather clock. It doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.
Mmm-Hm! I sink I can fix zis. Let me look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock!

There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody's business.

They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

So the priest wanted to get away from his priesthood for an afternoon and he went to a nudist camp and a beautiful young woman walked up and said, "Hi Father." He said, "How did you know it was me?" She said, "I'm Sister Catherine, remember?"

Please, help me. I haven't eaten anything for days.
God, I wish I had your willpower.

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

The man and wife walked out of divorce court in Mississippi and the man said, "Stop crying. So we got a divorce-----You're still my cousin!"

Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody's got my pen and I'm not sure I want it back.

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, whisper in my ear."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No, arthritis.'

Why is divorce so expensive? -----Because it's worth it.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? ----- None. Men don't change lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them. ------Did you know that studies show that a woman is turned on by different things, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to strong men with rugged masculine features.  And if she is just about to menstruate, she is more attracted to a man with a knife in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
When you drink beer, you argue over trivial things, don't make any sense, start to cry and you lose your ability to drive.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!

Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he's fishing because he never comes back with any fish...

Marriage and death are two different things. They are very different.
When you're dead, you don't wish that you were married.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it's dark?

How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don't know – lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!

An Agnostic and an Atheist were married and had a real problem.
They couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother said, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."


pcarrell


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