Ponderisms

[CDNRatMan]

  Was reading in the paper today:
There is a homestead or farm down in lower Manitoba (MN) along the North Dakota (ND) border. That has been a long and hotly contested debate on which side of the border the actual homestead was on. For over 3 generations the family had thought of themselves as Canadians, paid Canadian taxes, voted for Canadian government. They seemed happy about it all. After years of fighting and plotting maps and surveyor's taking measurements, lawyers fighting and the local government officials blowing smoke up everyone's hind-end. The family just quietly sat around waiting. The oldest son was called and asked to pass on the news of the outcome, and if they wanted to lodge a protest they had 24 hours in which to do so.
The oldest son then had a meeting for the family as a whole to inform that that as of midnight they were going to become American's and their land was or will be part of the US. He then explained about the protest ..........his Great Grandmother jumped up and said , the hell with it we are Americans now and will not have to put up with another Manitoba Winter.   

[DC]

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't..

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

12. She's always late, in fact, her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

20. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23. You can't have everything! Where would you put it?

24. The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

28. FLASHLIGHT: A case for holding dead batteries.

29. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture.

30. A FINE is a tax for doing wrong. A TAX is a fine for doing well.

31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

[DC]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[chief]

Being a hunter, military, country kid , scout etc. I learned a few things over the years.
1. When you provoke a grizzly bear expect to get mauled...
2. kind words will not deter a rabid skunk. 
3. If you are going to use leaves for cleanliness, learn how to identify poison ivy/oak first.
4. The thing everyone else said you'd never need in the wild... is the one thing you will need the most.
5. Where there's smoke, there's your face...
6. If you have a backup, you'll never use it... if you don't you will always need it.
7. If you plan to live off the land... bring plenty of food.
8. Water falls from the sky and flows in clear running streams... two miles from wherever  you are.
9. That "bump" In the night is just a bear who thinks you are the cheeseburger you ate yesterday.
10. Wolves never attack healthy humans... right? And besides there are no wolves around here... right?
11. Snakes just want a warm place to sleep... like in your pants leg.
12. That water resistant tent stops resisting at 4am after 6 hours of rain.
13. Batteries only die at 2am in the middle of no place. 
14. In an emergency, you always only have two bullets left.
15. That heavy coat you brought is never needed. The one you left at home is always essential.
16. North is never the right direction.
17. Who needs a compass and map when you have gps... see #13
18. A .22 is big enough for anything on the trail... except any creature who decides its meaner than you.
19.  Those ants weren't  there when you rolled out your sleeping bag...
20. Birds chirping in the trees just before dawn... .22 still not big enough.
21. Mosquitoes... 'nough said.
22. Just when you think you are the only human to ever set foot in a place... you find a beer can!

[DC]

Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?

Are eyebrows considered facial hair?

At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

Why are there no 'B' batteries?

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

Is it still illegal to park next to a fire hydrant, even if your car is on fire?

If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

If vampires can't see their reflections, why is their hair always so neat?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

Can you daydream at night?

Why do they call the little candy bars "fun sizes". Wouldn't it be more fun to eat a big one?

What is Satan's last name?

What is a picture of a thousand words worth?

Why does quicksand work slowly?

Can crop circles be square?

[DC]

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
You can't be late until you show up.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.

[49Reo]

Boy, that Chief is one fart smeller.....I mean one smart feller.....

[CDNRatMan]

Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die.

pointing the TV remote at your spouse, and hitting the mute button does not stop the noise............

why do people press harder on the buttons of the remote when they should just replace the batteries?

[Hoggy]

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs.

Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman.

Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die.

[CDNRatMan]

  and I thought I was going to get some sleep soon.....man now to think these out......

Hope my hero Chief can answer a few of these for me......

[greenbarn]

Speaking of pondering, I was sitting around tonight wondering a few things:

-If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
-Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack, anyway?
-If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
-If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts, 'and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
-When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
-Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
-If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
-Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
-Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-Why is lemon-aide made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
-Why don't we ever see this headline: Psychic Wins Lottery ?
-Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'Broker'?  Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
-Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
-Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?
-Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-Why do use a sterile needle for lethal injections?
-Why are they called apartments when they are all connected?

[mittico68]

I looked the answers up on the internet.

Ingenious idea!

[chief]

I looked the answers up on the internet.

[DC]

Of course!   

[pcarrell]

Chief is clearly a genius!

[CDNRatMan]

 and that is why he is the Chief he is so smart........

[greenbarn]

Well, that all makes perfect sense....

[chief]

How important does a person have to, before they are considered assassinated rather then just murdered?  You have to be level 10 at least.

Once your in Heaven or the other place, are you stuck wearing the clothing you were buried in? In heaven you get a nice comfortable robe. In the other place you get a hospital gown with the back open. 

Why does round pizza come in a square box? Because round boxes won't puncture the trash bag and there would be no place for the garlic butter.

What disease did the ham before it was cured? .Trigonometry

Why do doctors leave the room while you strip and they will see you naked in a moment when they return? So they can turn on the camera.

If corn oil comes from corn, vegetable oil comes from vegetables, were does baby oil come from?  Ask your Dad.

Female Question.... Why is bra singular when you have 2 whohaws, and panties is plural when you only have one......? Anything above the equator is singular - shirt, bra, etc. Anything below is plural - pants, panties, etc.

[CDNRatMan]

  How important does a person have to, before they are considered assassinated rather then just murdered?

Once your in Heaven or the other place, are you stuck wearing the clothing you were buried in?

Why does round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did the ham before it was cured?

Why do doctors leave the room while you strip and they will see you naked in a moment when they return?

If corn oil comes from corn, vegetable oil comes from vegetables, were does baby oil come from?

Female Question.... Why is bra singular when you have 2 whohaws, and panties is plural when you only have one......?