Joke

[49Reo]

A "lady of the evening" approached me on the street the other day, and said, "for $50.00 I'll do anything you want....

Guess who got his garage painted...... >:

[DC]

 

[pcarrell]

A woman awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him.

She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looked up from his drink. "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."

She couldn't believe he had remembered and started to tear up.

The husband continued. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.

Once again the wife was touched to tears thinking that her husband was so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today"

[DC]

I hate it when that happens.

[CDNRatMan]

  Need help in understanding the female race.......

So spent $1500.00 on Botox for her because she begged me to do so and she was ecstatic, $5000.00 to enhance her breasts, she was delighted. I then at her bequest spent $2500.00 on  her nose. She could not thank me enough. Then again at her suggestion I dropped another $2500.00 on liposuction so she would feel better about herself.
I then spend $35.00 on a blowjob for myself and she just went ape.........

Can not figure them females out.......

[greenbarn]

Recent studies have determined that Women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than men who mention it.....

[Hoggy]

You know you're a redneck when you take the dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

[Hoggy]

[quote.after all, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

=====================================================
Ok, that made me chuckle.

[Hoggy]

OK, so here's something I've never understood:
If we celebrate LABOR DAY by  NOT WORKING......
Then why don't we have a CELIBACY DAY??

I wouldn't know what to do with all that time off.   

[greenbarn]

OK, so here's something I've never understood:
If we celebrate LABOR DAY by  NOT WORKING......
Then why don't we have a CELIBACY DAY??

[DC]

Ole and his wife Lena are strolling along a country road in northern Minnesota. They notice a human head lying along the side of the road. Lena picks it up, holds it up in the air and says, "Hey, that looks like Sven?" Ole replies, "Can't be, he wasn't that tall."

====================================================

•Aanenson, the wealthy milk tycoon was telling Ole about his new girl friend. "She's 30 and I'm 65. Do you tink I vould have a better chance of getting her to marry me if I tell her I'm 50?" "No," said Ole, "I tink you vould have a better chance if you told her you vas 80."

=====================================================

Doctor: The best thing you can do Ole is quit drinking,

Ole: Vat's next best?

=====================================================

Ole and Lena were out motoring one day in Ole's new car. A policeman stopped him and said he was doing 50 miles per hour in a 30 mile zone. "I vas only going 30, officer," protested Ole. "No, you were going 50," said the Cop. "Really, officer, I vas just doing 30," said Ole. "And I say you were going 50," repeated the cop. Lena, sitting in the back seat, trying to be helpful, spoke up, "Officer....you shouldn't try to argue vid Ole ven he's been drinking!"   

=====================================================

Ole remarked, as he sat reading a magazine: "Lena, do you know every time I breathe, somebody dies?" LENA: Vhy don't you try gargling vid Listerine.

=====================================================

•Ole and Lena won a contest and the prize was a trip around the world. When they arrived in Russia, they were assigned a special guide named Ruldolph. As Rudolph was showing them around Red Square, it commenced to rain a bit...and then some sleet came down. "Yee viss," exclaimed Ole, "here comes da snow." "Oh no," said Rudolph the Russian, "It is RAIN!" "And I say it is SNOW," retorted Ole. Lena, trying to be the diplomat said, "Now, now, Ole, calm downn...after all, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

=====================================================

•Lena was selected to appear on one of those Hollywood TV shows where the MC asks rather intimate questions. This is what he asked Lena: "Which of these Shakespeare plays would you say would be most like your wedding night? "Midsummer Night's Dream," "As you like it," or "Love's Labor Lost?" "None of dem," responded Lena. "I'd say it vas more like "Much ado abut Nutting."   

=====================================================

One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and having just returned from church with Lena he was feeling a little religious. "God," said Ole, "vhen you made Lena, vhy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?" Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole." "Vell then vhy, oh vhy," asked Ole, "vhy Lord did you make her so stupid?" "Because," said the voice, "so she would love you."
=====================================================

•Ole and Lena are married, of course ya know. Vell von day Lena comes home in da afternoon from shoppin' and she finds Ole is aready home now, sittin'on da couch. "Vat da heck ya doin' already home?" Lena says. "I lost my yob...I vas fired!" Ole says. "Vat da heck did dey fire ya for?" asked Lena. "I got caught vit my peter in da pickle slicer." Ole says, sheepishly. "Oh, my! Let me see it" Lena exclaimed as she grabs Ole's pants and pulls them down to his ankles. "Vy, you look yust fine! Vat happened to the pickle slicer?" asked Lena. "Yah, vell" says Ole, "she got fired too."   

=====================================================

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Sven inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I talked her into change to play the clarinet." "How come?" asked Sven. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith the clarinet, she can't sing along vit it."

[CDNRatMan]

   Well I learned what celibacy is all about today.

A friend had to attend some classes for married couples as part of a work relation thing, and spouses were really strongly suggested that they attend.
Well my buddy did really will till they got to the Q and A section. The guest lecturer was asking a series of questions and the class was responding. The first question was ...........

"What is your wife's favorite flower?"

his answer.........

" it is  Robin, correct, Robin Hood flour?"

seems he has been celibate since that day........

[Hoggy]

                       A JEWISH CHRISTMAS STORY

The teacher was very curious about how each of her students' celebrated Christmas Eve "Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class. "Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick, now Jimmy Brown, what do you do?"

"Well Miss, me and my sister go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now Jimmy Cohen, what do you do on Christmas Eve?"

"Well Miss, it's the same old thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and sing "What a friend we have in Jesus". Then we go to the Bahamas."

[DC]

Oh my!   

[pcarrell]

I got to be my ripe old age by living a good clean life and thinking only pure thoughts.  I know nothing of this brothel and all of that frolicking.  Jenny, Rita, Lola, and Madam Bouvie are all very fine and upstanding young ladies!

[CDNRatMan]

  ah ok makes sense now.........

[Hoggy]

That's funny.....So...  what did she say??

She agreed to take Canadian Money as long as he would take his change in Monopoly Money.

[DC]

 

[CDNRatMan]

  I don't understand........PC help me out here buddy

[greenbarn]

That's funny.....So...  what did she say??   

[Hoggy]

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.
The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.  They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away!
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.

She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel.  She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management.

She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.
She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry.  And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.
So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available.  She sits and talks with him.  They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap.

And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"

[DC]

Two Minnesota engineers are standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. Lena walks by and asks what they're doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, "says Ole, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

Lena takes a wrench out of her purse, loosens a couple bolts and lays the pole down on the ground. She then takes a tape measure from her pocketbook, measures the pole and announces, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walks away.

Ole shakes his head and laughs. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"

Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.

[DC]

 

[49Reo]

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a we cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[DC]

I used to get my father-in-law's Farm Show's second hand.  ALways enjoyed them....   That reminds me, I haven't seen one in a long time, maybe a good idea for a Christmas gift subscription for him.

That's how I got hooked on Farm Show.  One of my wives gave me a subscription for Xmas, many years ago.