Why I Ride, an introspective about life, loss and living.

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Why I Ride, an introspective about life, loss and living.

There are five main personality traits, they say, in this world.  And you can swing to either extreme end of any or all of these to make up your personality: extroversion, agreeableness, openness, conscientiousness, and neuroticism.
In a lifetime, you will meet and notice how some of these traits are dominant in some people, and they may let one or another trait really represent their overall personality.  In the years I've spent on this planet, I have worked in sales and with people for over 18 of them.  I have dealt with more people in my life than most would ever imagine.  Hundreds a day- thousands a week- being in Sales, you kind of become a psudo-psychiatric expert.  People talk, they tell you their thoughts, desires, needs, and you learn what signs certain personalities throw off.  You begin to be able to read people so well, that you can call their next moves, and guide them to buy what you are selling.Why the lesson in Psychology- I'm reading a motorcycle riding blog!  Well, I am being influenced by the world around us, and need to get some femme fueled ideas out, so I'm getting super personal in this blog- it all ties together, I promise...

What I have learned about personality traits, is that they can seldom be changed- or even acknowledged by most people, so when you encounter a certain personality built from traits that you recognize as anti- ; ones that clash with your personality, the ones you keep seeing in the partners you take and fail with- the ones you see in coworkers that argue with you, or even family members that you just can't stand- YOU EVENTUALLY LEARN TO GET AWAY FROM THEM before they impact your life.These traits are what most normal people just call RED FLAGS. They throw them up unconsciously, and you see it as a bad thing, it doesn't mesh with your perception of the world. And people HIDE THEM.. oh they bury those little suckers.. so deep sometimes. but they are there!!

seriously.. he posted this on IG

Recently, I went through a whirlwind of a relationship, that unfortunately ended in divorce (disillusion, so they will delete it like it NEVER HAPPENED).  The red flags didn't start popping up until after the marriage license was filed- and they were BAD.  He literally had an entire BOX of them in his closet. (photo is proof)  I don't talk about my personal life, especially the shitty things in it, ever, if at all- so this is a bit out of my comfort zone, but the recent divorce proceedings and events have brought up my past, brought up my fears and insecurities, and made me think about WHY I STARTED RIDING MY OWN BIKE.  It all goes back to abuse.  With the headlines reeking of female oppression and misconduct lately, its been stewing in my mind and gut, and I really have to get it out.  Maybe someone will see themselves in my story, maybe not.. but if I can inspire just ONE WOMAN to find her voice. It's worth it.

I wasn't always an outspoken independent woman- at one time I was a timid, easily controlled girl, who lived in a scary place and time with a boy who thought he was king shit of the world and when his life didn't go his way, thought he could take it out on me with violence.
Christian Schloe

Words, objects- he threw them all at me.  After 4 years, I got out- which is a very long and horrific story that involves police, hospitals and a very long road to recovery resulting in PTSD triggered by physical violence-  I knew I WOULD NEVER let anyone do that to me again. I changed my outlook, I MADE myself go outside of my comfort zone and explore my inner demons- The reasons I was attracting personality traits that caused me pain.  I found FEAR.  the first avenue I explored within myself was fear.  I was afraid of a lot of things.  I had anxiety about going in public, I was scared of talking to people I didn't know, I wouldn't DREAM of taking public transit or walking down the street alone.  I was also holding on to a fear from my childhood- riding motorcycles.  I was in a pretty bad wreck when I was 6 or 7, where a barbed wire fence ripped most of my right thigh off-  and it left me traumatized, scarred, and walking (limping) away from my love of two wheels.  When I decided to take these fears within myself on, I chose this 20 year old fear, and decided I was going to tell it to go @#$% itself.

me, realizing i can rule the fucking world

The fear of the motorcycle ITSELF, was terrifying to get over.. but it was nothing compared to what I had been through.. Slowly, gaining confidence, knowing I was in control of IT, helped.  Something in my life I COULD CONTROL.  I wasn't sitting on the back, holding on, being told what to do or how to do it,  putting my life and decisions in the hands of someone else.. I WAS IN CONTROL OF MY OWN RIDE.  BOOM. I was done.  I had found MY personal freedom.
x
That epiphany in my life opened the floodgates.  I realized I was capable of so much more in my life- all because I put to rest an age old fear within myself.  The fears started to fall off- The first year I owned that bike, I rode it over 360 miles to the Quad Cam Bastards bash in Ohio- thought I was going to die a few times, I definitely cried inside my helmet riding in the pouring rain, but I MADE IT, and it strengthened my mission.  Anxiety started to fade, I started going out more, alone- I started setting and reaching GOALS in my life.  I didn't need another person (especially a rude dude) accompanying me, when I wanted to do something, I just did what I wanted.

These days, I'm in a great place, with a wonderful job centered around motorcycles, perfect friends, and three Harley-Davidson motorcycles I can ride anytime I get the urge or need to release some stress.  I like to exert my independence by riding my bike across country, alone, meeting up and going out with complete strangers if I'm in a social mood, wandering off to find adventures- who cares.  I AM FREE FROM FEAR.  I no longer succumb to that part of my 'agreeableness' personality trait.  I have shifted from the extreme, even though it causes me to have controllable panic attacks on a regular basis, fighting my natural instinct to retreat.  So when the red flags of my crumbling marriage started to poke out from the rubble- I already knew we were going to have issues.  The night it all ended, the night he was 'too drunk to remember', the night I will never forget- I had an intense PTSD episode.  I flashed back to that weak little girl pleading for the mean drunk boy to stop hitting her, kicking her legs and scratching at the walls being dragged up a flight of stairs by her hair- the slamming of doors, the pacing and yelling, the threats.. and the throbbing pain left by the blows... It was a test, in this life- to see how strong I really had become.

So I threw him out.
He will never get the pleasure of making me bleed, or hurt or cry EVER.  Verbally attacking me, and throwing a dish at me so hard it broke- that is where it all starts.  And when you deny it happened, because you were too drunk to remember, it shows your TRUE personality traits.  When you use the last percentage of your phone battery to CALL YOUR MOTHER to complain and beg for help, instead of calling ME to apologize, you show your true colors.. when you call one of MY best friends, during HIS going away party, to leave his family and come fix YOUR MISTAKE, shows what kind of a person you really are.. and to drag it all out this long just so you can get some satisfaction out of telling me how I made this all about me, and my ego-  AND YOU STILL deny any of this even happened.. you know what buddy. @#$% YOU. The moment you opened your mouth and called me a 'stupid fucking cunt' you lost every shred of respect, every ounce of love, and I put my last @#$% back in my bucket- because I wasn't wasting it on you.  Life has taught me that I don't need you.  You are living your life in fear.  I am living my life in LOVE.  That night brought back every single terrifying episode of abuse in my head, and I will NOT be treated that way by any other human, ever again.  WE WILL NEVER BE EQUAL.  You buried yourself so low with that behavior, good luck ever finding a respectable human to be near you again.  I still have the audio recording in the Bronco that night.. and if I have to, I'll make it public.. but I'd rather just delete it and move the @#$% on.
I found out that ending a commitment like a marriage makes you feel like a failure.  There is a lot of guilt involved- and pain...  But when I look at how far I've come, how many obstacles I have faced- and conquered, and the extreme amount of support I have from the ones who TRULY love me- I can get over the embarrassment of failure.  I'm stronger than that.  The motorcycle community plays a huge part in my life- and my support team.  I want to live free, and ride free- I want to live life and find love, I want to be happy, and everyone deserves these things free of charge, abuse or neglect.

And on Dec 22, when I walk out of the courthouse an official: free from hatred, single woman.. I hope to see my moto brothers and sisters lined up and waiting to hand me a beer and cheer- I made it through another obstacle, I stared another fear directly in its eyes, challenging it to end me, and won.  I will forever be grateful to my bike, to my freedom on two wheels, for making me WHO I AM today.  Without it, I would most definitely be dead... or dead inside at the very least.  Without riding, I lose my focus, I lose my light.  I need that part of my life to know, to REMEMBER that I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE.  And if someone wants to come in and join me, so be it.. but it's going to be based in love, not fear.

Source: Why I Ride, an introspective about life, loss and living.